5QF on a Saturday..

1. Do you close the bathroom door when you are home alone?
~ Generally, no. Even if I do, I don't normally lock it, the girls just walk right in! So really, there's no point...

2. You have to walk around with a word on your forehead. That word describes you. One word. What is it?
~ Me. It's more me than any other word I know. "Me" is the only thing I know how to be, and I do it well.

3. What store do you refuse to shop at and why?
~ Abercrombie & Fitch. Totally NOT my style and everything is usually 2 sizes too small for me.

4. If you participated in arranged marriages for your children, who would you choose for your children?
~ No idea. I know I've joked with some people and asked them to save their sons for my daughters.. But yeah, not even sure how to answer this..

5. If you could pick how and when you would die, would you?
~ Don't care.. I just want to live long enough to see both of my girls become who they are going to become. I want to be around long enough to help them through their toughest times. I want to go through that empty nest stage with my husband. I want to meet grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
I would like to die peacefully. I don't want my children wondering what happened to me. I don't want to go in anyway that would be painful for them like it was for me when my father died.

http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/

Feeling the need to vent..

Being a military, now Army, wife, I can't help but sometimes feel like I'm living in the shadows of my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love him, and I love our life, but sometimes I just feel less than adequate. Now let me explain before I start being misunderstood..

Part of me wants a part time job or SOMETHING outside of the home. When we were living on base I never felt this way. I always felt like I was living in a community of people just like myself. Not living on base is MUCH different, and to be honest, I don't like it all that well. Anyway, in order to have a part time job, we would need a second car and extra finances to keep the 2 year old in day care while the 5 year old is in school, and she's only going to be in school 3 hours a day. So, that's out of the question! Option number 2, which we've tried off and on a few times, I go to work after he gets home or on the weekends. This left us with almost no time with each other, and he didn't like it much. Especially during the week.

It just sucks because I look at some of these military wives who seem to do it all. I honestly think part of it is because I've lost part of who I was and I'm having a hard time getting "me" back. I felt so empowered last year while he was deployed. My house was perfect, kids were happy and healthy, I was working out like 2 times a day (once a day at the gym). So, call me horrible, but I'm kind of looking forward to the husband leaving for Basic Training so I can get that back for a few weeks.

I don't know..

I really dislike this time of year. Every August I seem to get into a funk. Last year was the worst yet, and I'm hoping I can kick it soon. Part of it is seeing my friend's going back to school or doing all these fantastic things every August, and I still can't help but feel less than mediocre. When am I going to quit feeling like I have something to prove to myself or someone else?!?

Anyway, going to bed. Here's to hoping for a better tomorrow.

Million Miles Away

So many things are going through my mind. Not even sure where to even start.

Today would have been my dad's 63rd birthday. 2005 was the last year I got to actually tell him "happy birthday." To me it seems so silly how much I miss him on his birthday. I guess I took the 18 years for granted when I could actually tell him. This has me down in the dumps and quite antisocial today.

Antisocial, the way I've been behaving lately... I could quite pleasantly just stay home and sleep all day everyday. Even the girls have taken to laying on the couch with me in the mornings, I'm gonna miss these snuggles someday. Along with feeling antisocial, I have felt like a crappy, crappy friend. I haven't called anyone back. I haven't wanted to give any advice when asked. I suppose I just haven't really given a rip about anyone's problems but my own. For once I care more about my own crap than anyone else's. Not a bad thing I suppose, but it has left me feeling quite cynical lately.

I need to get with the program though. My kids and husband need me functioning.

I must still be in some denial..

18 days. 18 days and my little, blonde girl starts Kindergarten! She's 5 and I am still in shock. I see her becoming the big girl, and part of me still wants the little girl back. Before she started her ADHD fits and tantrums and just general change in behavior.. But we're working on it. I know my relationship with the young one is much different from my relationship with her, and I need to work on that too.

I don't think it helped any that I had blondie when I was barely 19, I was 22 with #2. I was 19, in the military, and selfish. I still don't know if I can call myself a "teen" parent. Sure, I was 18 when I got pregnant, but I was also married and had a full-time job, a career. Well, it was supposed to be, but I don't really regret that decision. Still, it was much easier the second time around, especially considering I am a stay at home mom now.

So what I wanna know, and yes, it is a rhetorical question.. When the hell is this going to start getting easier?! I'd TOTALLY hire a maid in a heartbeat if we could afford it. Not a full-time one either, someone to come like once or twice a week to tackle all the real hard crap that frankly, I really don't want to do. A cook would be nice too, and just during the summertime.

I HATE cooking in the summertime. It's too hot and I don't want to actually eat anything that needs to be prepared.. I'm all for Jamba Juice dinners and salad. Is it realistic? No.. Is it pricey? Yessss. No fair.

Wow, this has totally started turning into a random post! Anyway, what I'm getting at.. on the 29th, she starts Kindergarten. I am losing sleep over this, because I'm not sure how it's going to go for her. I want her to do well, I want her to succeed, and most of all, I want her to enjoy school. *Putting on my cape* I'm ready to do WHATEVER I need to do for my child. If I have to medicate her, I will. If I have to meet weekly, monthly, whenever with her teacher to see her progress, I will do so! I love my baby, and I don't want to be one of the pushy, overbearing mothers. I just want to see her succeed and enjoy it as she goes.

I'm not going to lie. I'm so tired of just writing about updates and the 5 question Fridays..

I told the husband I was lacking the creativity I had in high school. I just can't seem to write how I used to. Maybe I need some inspiration or something to happen. I'm reading again, hoping it will spark something, but nothing.. so far. I've been reading other people's blogs to try to get an idea, but then I hate feeling like I'm just "copying" someone else. Argh. Writer's block sucks =o/

Updates and recent happenings

So husband enlisted on Thursday! Yay, quite excited, especially after waiting nearly 3 months. Right now we are just playing the waiting game. Waiting for orders, can't do much else until they cut him orders. For now, he's still working the civilian job and we still have benefits through them.

Shannon starts Kindergarten in less than 4 weeks now. I can hardly believe it. The last 5 years have seemed to fly by. She has her backpack, lunchbox, and a brand new outfit. Almost ready to go. Erin is still growing like a weed and follows her sister's every move.

I'm in a happy place right now. Life is good. Husband and I are good, healthy and chugging right along. I'd like to think I'm getting better with the housework and cooking, he tells me I am anyway, so that has to count for something. I've just been so flippin' tired lately. I know it's due to poor diet or messed up sleep schedule. I need to have my annual physical done anyway and I'm thinking of having them re-check my thyroid.

But like I said, life is good! My honey doesn't go to Basic until January. And they've moved it from South Carolina to Missouri. So it looks like the girls and I will be doing a road trip to Missouri in April! Anyway, that's all for now. Gotta finish my to do list and go to bed!