Team Beachbody!

Friday, October 14, 2011

5 Question Friiiiidaaay

1. Do you prefer your ice cream in a bowl or in a cone?
~ Depends. Frozen yogurt, cone. Regular ice cream, bowl.

2. What three things do you love the smell of?
~ Rain! Pot roast cooking all day in the crock pot. Now this last one may sound a little weird, but diesel.

3. Gift cards or no? (In regards to gift giving...)
~ Yes! Especially for those who are REALLY hard to shop for. Or for people I know who prefer a certain store, but still unsure of what they would want.

4. What sports did you play in high school if any and do you still play them?
~ I wish I still played them. That's probably the one thing I truly miss about becoming an adult. I played volleyball, basketball, wrestling, and softball. I was definitely a jock.

5. Were you in band in high school? What instrument did you play?
~ Nope. My clarinet playing days ended before I started middle school. You ever hear a young marching band play from an elementary school, and the kid who constantly has the squeaky reed.. Yep! That was me!

You can find the questions for 5QF @

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

My head is spinning...

I must be crazy. At least that's what my family would think. My mother's side anyway. My grandma, my mom, myself, we are mostly the only children to our parents. I have a half-sister. But my mom and grandma had no siblings at all. I still consider myself an only child because my sister is 19 years older than me. So, I definitely did things a little differently by having 2 kids of my own, with the same father.

So, back to the crazy talk. I am baby crazy, I've been in denial about not being baby crazy. But I'm totally, completely, utterly baby crazy. You may say I'm crazy even.. I mean, I'll be the first to admit, my girls are a handful! But dang, I would love to bring another life into this world. I even told the husband I was done! We have 2, one for each parent, one for each arm, one for each seat in the backseat. Plenty of people manage 3/4 kids just fine, I need to make sure I can too. Emotionally, financially, physically.

My pregnancies haven't exactly been the easiest. They haven't told me I won't be able to have kids again, but the cervical cancer scare last year made me think I never would want kids again. Emotionally, my first pregnancy was hard. She was born 5 days after my dad died and the recovery was rough! Pretty sure I had a little post-partum with her as well. Financially, two kids are pretty easy to manage. I still want to be able to give my kids the kind of life I had. I doubt I would have done half the cool stuff I did if I had siblings. Honestly, a 3 week trip in France was stressful enough with just my mother and grandmother. I couldn't imagine what it would have been like if I had siblings. Either we wouldn't have gone with mom and grandma, or it would have been way more stressful.

I don't know if I'm being totally irrational here by wanting another/more, or if it is rational. I don't know if I'd be feeling selfish by not wanting more. I know the husband isn't totally opposed to the fact, since he's said we should talk about it in a year/few years.

Maybe I should just let this go and just be genuinely happy for my friends instead of trying to live vicariously through their pregnancies or pining for my another of my own.

Monday, October 10, 2011

I'm Me

Husband left Friday afternoon to spend 9 days in the wilderness of Utah. Yes, it's hunting season. My stress level seemed to plummet drastically come Saturday morning. I don't know what it is.. maybe it's the fact that the kids are MUCH easier to cook for than he is. The first day is usually hard, but even their behavior seems to change when they know daddy isn't going to be home right away. I don't know if they just get so anxious during the day when they know he's coming home or on his way home from work, but their behavior is much different.

Today is Monday, Shannon is currently staying home from school thanks to her 102 degree fever yesterday. It was still pretty low grade this morning, but still remained a fever. I really wanted to tackle a few things this week while he is away. Honestly it's just easier that way, the girls pretty much entertain themselves or each other while I fold, scrub, whatever away.

I hate when people say I'm my husband's mother or how I'm not standing my ground. Here's a little bit of history.. The day we signed the marriage certificate, we talked about what each one of us will contribute to this marriage, to the home, to each other, you get the point. Yes, it went according to plan in the beginning, but then life happens. Both being in the military, and in training at the time, we had to stay on top of our language classes. I got pregnant, morning sickness kicked in, cleaning, eating, cooking, it all seemed to make me sick. Anyway, after baby came, I had double duty on top of working, that's when I started getting overwhelmed. After I got out of the military, I pretty much took on everything. It wasn't that I "became my husband's mother." I wanted things done, and I wanted them done a specific way. I'm not going to lie, I'm a control freak and I have some OCD-like quirks.

My husband isn't necessarily lazy, he just doesn't seem to take the initiative. If I want something done, I have to ask him. I can understand this, because I have (more than once) seen him take the initiative, then I snapped at him or did something to discourage him from wanting to ever try that again. Yes, I have brought this upon myself, I know this. I would like to believe I've gotten better at letting others do things for me once in a while, and believe it or not, I even ask for help once in a while. I've come to learn that it is OKAY to ask for help once in a while, I call it my "Supermom" complex.

So, to my friend, who I know will probably never read this.. I know you weren't trying to judge me. You were only expressing the observation(s). But it has been eating at me for the last 2 days. You said you weren't interested in the history of it, just wanted to know how I intended on changing it. Either way, it still was weighing heavily on my mind. Thank you for offering to help me with whatever I needed, but frankly, I need to do this on my own. I got in over my head, years ago, and I've been digging myself out, little by little, ever since.

I'm not a hardcore hoarder, but I am a hoarder. Which doesn't make the tasks of everyday life very easy. I have ADD, which sometimes makes it hard to focus on those everyday tasks, and even the larger tasks linked to the hoarding. For instance, going through all of my dad's crap still seems overwhelming to this day. Being a control freak doesn't help much either. If other people just dive in and start "messing with my stuff" it sends my anxiety through the roof. I don't know what you're going to do with it or where you're going to put it.. And my wonderful husband has to deal with this everyday of his life. It's not easy living with me, I know this. But lately he knows I've been trying my best, and I'm getting better. So, next time whether it's a judgment, or just an observation, maybe you should try hearing me out. It's still criticism and it still drives me nuts.