5 Question Friday

1.  Would you go to your high school reunion?
~  Yes.  I don't talk to all that many people from either high school any more, but I would go to at least the 10 year reunion. 

2.  What's something that you've recently splurged on; either for yourself or someone else?
~  My daughter's and I got bears this week from Build A Bear.  My oldest and I picked out the Autism Speaks bear, while my youngest snatched the pink princess bear. 

3.  How do you handle your child's fever?
~  Low grade - rest, fluids, warm bath, and a cool rag around the neck.  Not low grade - all of the above and some Tylenol.

4.  What's the nicest thing to happen to you lately?
~  I would say the husband being super supportive and helpful.  He has been sweet and very loving.  It's been quite welcome considering how I've felt lately.  I'm glad to feel like I have a great partner in life. 

5.  What is your current favorite song?
~  That's a tough one, especially considering I like different things depending on what mood I'm in.  Til My Last Day by Justin Moore is definitely one. 

You can find the questions for 5QF at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/

Insomnia

I just wish I could turn my brain off or "pause" it sometimes. But no, here I sit at almost 3 in the morning. Unable to sleep due to pain, thoughts and worries about the new house, and mostly wondering what I can do to get my daughter the help she needs.
The thoughts about the house are pretty small compared to the thoughts about my daughter. I've been fighting since October for her to be seen and receive a proper diagnosis. Luckily she's on the high functioning end of the spectrum and doesn't need certain services right away. But some services would be better than none at this point and time.
I miss having a good night's sleep. I don't think 5 hours of sleep a night is truly the best for anyone. I'm tired of not being healthy. If it's not one thing, it's another. But what I hate most of all, is feeling like everything is out of my control right now. I'm trying not to feel like I'm having a breakdown, but I just wish I knew which doctor was going to help my baby. I wish I knew approximately when my house will be ready. I want to know if I will have a refrigerator and other necessities ready by the time we need to move. I wish I knew when my lungs will be better. Hearing the PA standing in for my doctor tell me it could take up to 6 weeks just aggravates me.

Flying my white flag

I hate days like this. I feel utterly defeated. It's drill weekend, so the children's routine is completely out of whack.
They have been in their room almost all day, "cleaning." They cannot get along and my oldest is constantly tattling. Even if the youngest looks at her funny, I have to hear about it. The whining, the crying... I'm just so over it all. I'm having a hard enough week as it is, I feel like this is just added stress. I'm trying my damnedest to keep my sanity and they are just running me over, into the ground.
Days like this make me wonder if I'm truly cut out for this stay at home mom crap. I don't feel like I can get ANYTHING productive done if I constantly have to play referee between these two. I'm burnt out, I'm overwhelmed, I want a break. But, even if a break does any good (for me) for a week or two, it will just go back to this. This feeling of complete and utter defeat.

Insomnia Strikes... Again

Nearly 4 am here, lying in bed next to my perfectly warm, sleeping husband. Unfortunately for me, I'm wide awake. I have a massive amount of crap running through my head.
I keep thinking of all the things I need to do over the next few days. I am thinking about Christmas and how to prepare for that. But the biggest thing currently on my mind is being 2 states away from my family.
My 89 year old grandma, the matriarch of the family has basically been classified as terminally ill with cancer and there really isn't much I can do to help or anything in any way from 2 states away.
The recent news of the hospital's wishes for her to enter into a hospice and seeing her decline over the last year has begun to take its toll on me. Some parts are bringing up old feelings from when I went through this with my father.
I think I need therapy again. I need to know how to cope with this. The kids are still so young, I'm not certain how it will impact them. I'm worried about my mother worst of all. Now and after my grandmother passes. My mom lost her father at a young age and it hit her hard. I cannot begin to fathom what this may do to her. So I think it would be best for everyone if I went back to see my psychologist. I need to figure out how best to help everyone around me and myself as we all grieve differently.
Well, I think I may finally be going cross-eyed and would love to prevent my phone from landing flat on my face.

4 more days

I keep posting it on Facebook, but feel I'm beating a dead horse.  

I'm SO over this election nonsense.  Obviously you vote for the candidate on a personal level of some sort, whether it's social, moral, spiritual, economic, etc. etc. reason.  Either that or you just choose "the lesser of two evils."  This is my second major election and proving to be my second difficult election.  Being a Libertarian, I find positive things in both presidential candidates, but I find negative things as well.  Whether you care to agree or not, given the circumstances, I believe Obama has really tried.  Which, that's all a man can do, correct?  I will give him credit for that.  He appeals to me on a certain social level.  Unfortunately, I find the social issues will not save our country.  So, the fiscal conservative in me sees Romney as the type who may be able to fix things.  Now, I don't expect anyone any time soon to actually fix our economy.  It's so incredibly broken.  Sometimes I wonder if our country/government just needs a complete "redo."  

Back to voting for a candidate on a personal level.. Another reason I would vote for Romney.  I feel Obama has not listened to the voices of everyone.  Granted, how is a single president supposed to listen to the voices of every citizen in the country.  How is a God going to listen to every single prayer or request of the human race?  On that personal level, I feel Romney would be better for our nation's military.  I'm not meaning planes and weapons here, I'm talking about the actual people of our armed forces.  Really, in all honesty, I would vote for Ron Paul if he stood a chance, but unfortunately he doesn't.  I tend to feel Bush understood the needs of our service members and their families (or even the veterans and retirees) because he did serve in the military.  Yes, I know Romney didn't, but I do think it should be a requirement in order to run for president.  

Needless to say, I cannot wait for election day.  I can't wait for this madness to end.  With social media and an election season the truly ugly or ignorant sides of people do come out from time to time.  And I don't mean everyone.  There are a very SELECT few and most have already been removed from my news feed.  

Anyway, you can take whatever you want from this post.  But remember it is MY opinion and I'm not looking for a debate (and not just because I feel I may be wrong either), but because it is my opinion and I'm at least entitled to that.  

XY chromosomes rock

I certainly can appreciate a hot bod.  Especially if the hot bod is made up of long hair and nice muscles, tattoos are definitely nice, but not a must. 
I love football season.  I love going to heavy metal shows.  I love being female, the one with the XX chromosomes! 
That is all, for now.

Actions speak louder than words

There is one person in this world I'd like to talk to the most right now and can't, because he's dead.
I feel blah, emotionally detached, antisocial, maybe a side of depressed. I really didn't know come Monday I would feel like this. The same person who allowed me to enter into this "funk" is also the same person who tells me no one else can ever make you feel a certain way without your permission. Maybe not word for word, but same thing in as many words. I can't believe getting a tattoo would cause such a ruckus with certain relationships. At the end of the day, I know who is always by my side and accepting of me no matter what and that's all that matters.
So, for the person not speaking to me right now: why??? I'm not a bad person. I live an honest and just life. I'm a good person, wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter. So what is it I've done throughout my life to make you seem ashamed of me at times? Yes, you say it's disappointment but really this isn't the first time something like this has occurred. Why is it that others can TRULY accept me for me but it seems you can't? I doubt you will read this. I may even end up deleting it, but it just needed to come off my chest one way or another.

Lessons in life can be hard

There are times when I wish I was more girlie. Not totally sure where this came from, but I think the late time insomnia and medicine has a small something to do with it.
I doubt my husband would truly mind if I was more lady-like. When we started dating, I wasn't especially girly. I wore make up and the occasional dress or skirt. But he married the Air Force, country girl from northern California.
I used to get my nails done quite frequently. I actually love having fake nails, it just gets rather pricey from time to time.
Honestly though, I just wish I was more girly a times. Maybe I will feel the opportunity will be more possible after I get to a decent goal weight. There are SO many cute clothes and outfits I don't feel like I can wear because I'm not physically appealing to myself. There's that saying about loving yourself before you can love others that comes to mind. Maybe if I felt more physically appealing to myself I will feel like I'm more appealing to my husband?
He tells me I'm beautiful and loves me the way I am. But to be honest, I don't love me.

Growing up...

Growing up is a fascinating thing to me.  Watching my children grow is highly fascinating as well. 

Yesterday I passed one of my old high schools, I went to two.  And I started thinking about the wreck I was in my Freshman year of high school.  I was riding with my boyfriend at the time as we were going out for a date.  I am from a town of a few hundred people outside of Redding, CA which has a population of about 80,000.  Anyway, we were traveling on the country roads on our way into "town" for our date.  He didn't see the stop sign at the intersection of a country road and a very busy 55/65 mph highway.  As we fly past the stop sign, I look out my window and remember this van coming very close to hitting me.  I thought we passed it when, WHAM!  The van hit the back of his jeep and tore the back hatch entirely off the vehicle.

Anyway, I ended up with a huge goose egg/bump on my forehead and a concussion.  I was unable to play basketball for 2 weeks and I was slightly devastated.  Of course I was more worried at the time about if mom was going to kill my boyfriend and missing a few games.  I didn't kiss the ground everyday and praise a God that I was happy to be alive. 

It was a day or two later that the swelling began to go down, but 2 black circles emerged around and under my eyes.  I was unaware that jokes had already begun around school.  I had raccoon eyes, which was apparently quite humorous to my peers.  But, what I remember the most is one particular joke going around about myself and how we ended up crashing. 

It made me think, hope, and pray my children never have to endure anything like what I went through as a kid.  I'm mostly worried for Shannon since she is my special kid and like me in so many ways.  I was already socially awkward and a chatterbox (surprise surprise).  I never felt normal almost the entire time I was in school.  I was pretty much picked on from day one and it stopped after I joined the military. 

As an adult, you begin to realize the personal struggles one endures on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, or at least I have.  After my mom's house burnt down, she was basically homeless, with no bra, and no shoes.  So she went to the store to buy items to replace those since she didn't have any.  I'm sure she got stares and possible rude comments.  But it's because people can be heartless and judgemental.  We learn it at an early age and sometimes it changes. 

So, here I was 15 years old and being laughed at in school after dodging death.  I REALLY could have died that day.  If that van hit his Jeep in the wrong way, I could have died.  And no one seemed to care.  I think some of my close friends did.  But people were too caught up in how to make fun of me than asking if truly was okay. 

It's been almost 10 years now, this November anyway.  And this is still bugging me.  I don't necessarily want or need to receive apologies from peers.  But I just hope people learn from bullying someday and teach their own kids how harmful bullying can be.  I've forgiven and forgotten.  I know the truth that day.  We were talking when he went through the stop sign, that is all.  No funny business. 

Glutton For Punishment

Well, I am!  Today I completed day 2 of TurboFire.  It's the first of many days on a course to a better me.  I forgot how much fun the workouts are, and how much I love them.  Seriously though, as the title says, I must be a real glutton for punishment.  I'm sore from my ankles to my neck.  I want more!  I'm back to being my old self, a workout/activity junkie. 

Tomorrow is my first rest day in week 1 of 9 in TurboFire.  But I'm going to spend the morning of my rest day at the gym hitting tennis balls.  TOTALLY excited for that.  I haven't participated in any kind of sport since 2004/2005.  Tomorrow morning the man who set up my membership is going to hit some balls in my direction and give me a rating.  Once I have a rating, I can find a group to play with, I hope!  Looking for a nice physical activity and hopefully I can meet some new people!