5 Question Friday

1.  Would you go to your high school reunion?
~  Yes.  I don't talk to all that many people from either high school any more, but I would go to at least the 10 year reunion. 

2.  What's something that you've recently splurged on; either for yourself or someone else?
~  My daughter's and I got bears this week from Build A Bear.  My oldest and I picked out the Autism Speaks bear, while my youngest snatched the pink princess bear. 

3.  How do you handle your child's fever?
~  Low grade - rest, fluids, warm bath, and a cool rag around the neck.  Not low grade - all of the above and some Tylenol.

4.  What's the nicest thing to happen to you lately?
~  I would say the husband being super supportive and helpful.  He has been sweet and very loving.  It's been quite welcome considering how I've felt lately.  I'm glad to feel like I have a great partner in life. 

5.  What is your current favorite song?
~  That's a tough one, especially considering I like different things depending on what mood I'm in.  Til My Last Day by Justin Moore is definitely one. 

You can find the questions for 5QF at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/

Insomnia

I just wish I could turn my brain off or "pause" it sometimes. But no, here I sit at almost 3 in the morning. Unable to sleep due to pain, thoughts and worries about the new house, and mostly wondering what I can do to get my daughter the help she needs.
The thoughts about the house are pretty small compared to the thoughts about my daughter. I've been fighting since October for her to be seen and receive a proper diagnosis. Luckily she's on the high functioning end of the spectrum and doesn't need certain services right away. But some services would be better than none at this point and time.
I miss having a good night's sleep. I don't think 5 hours of sleep a night is truly the best for anyone. I'm tired of not being healthy. If it's not one thing, it's another. But what I hate most of all, is feeling like everything is out of my control right now. I'm trying not to feel like I'm having a breakdown, but I just wish I knew which doctor was going to help my baby. I wish I knew approximately when my house will be ready. I want to know if I will have a refrigerator and other necessities ready by the time we need to move. I wish I knew when my lungs will be better. Hearing the PA standing in for my doctor tell me it could take up to 6 weeks just aggravates me.

Flying my white flag

I hate days like this. I feel utterly defeated. It's drill weekend, so the children's routine is completely out of whack.
They have been in their room almost all day, "cleaning." They cannot get along and my oldest is constantly tattling. Even if the youngest looks at her funny, I have to hear about it. The whining, the crying... I'm just so over it all. I'm having a hard enough week as it is, I feel like this is just added stress. I'm trying my damnedest to keep my sanity and they are just running me over, into the ground.
Days like this make me wonder if I'm truly cut out for this stay at home mom crap. I don't feel like I can get ANYTHING productive done if I constantly have to play referee between these two. I'm burnt out, I'm overwhelmed, I want a break. But, even if a break does any good (for me) for a week or two, it will just go back to this. This feeling of complete and utter defeat.

Insomnia Strikes... Again

Nearly 4 am here, lying in bed next to my perfectly warm, sleeping husband. Unfortunately for me, I'm wide awake. I have a massive amount of crap running through my head.
I keep thinking of all the things I need to do over the next few days. I am thinking about Christmas and how to prepare for that. But the biggest thing currently on my mind is being 2 states away from my family.
My 89 year old grandma, the matriarch of the family has basically been classified as terminally ill with cancer and there really isn't much I can do to help or anything in any way from 2 states away.
The recent news of the hospital's wishes for her to enter into a hospice and seeing her decline over the last year has begun to take its toll on me. Some parts are bringing up old feelings from when I went through this with my father.
I think I need therapy again. I need to know how to cope with this. The kids are still so young, I'm not certain how it will impact them. I'm worried about my mother worst of all. Now and after my grandmother passes. My mom lost her father at a young age and it hit her hard. I cannot begin to fathom what this may do to her. So I think it would be best for everyone if I went back to see my psychologist. I need to figure out how best to help everyone around me and myself as we all grieve differently.
Well, I think I may finally be going cross-eyed and would love to prevent my phone from landing flat on my face.

4 more days

I keep posting it on Facebook, but feel I'm beating a dead horse.  

I'm SO over this election nonsense.  Obviously you vote for the candidate on a personal level of some sort, whether it's social, moral, spiritual, economic, etc. etc. reason.  Either that or you just choose "the lesser of two evils."  This is my second major election and proving to be my second difficult election.  Being a Libertarian, I find positive things in both presidential candidates, but I find negative things as well.  Whether you care to agree or not, given the circumstances, I believe Obama has really tried.  Which, that's all a man can do, correct?  I will give him credit for that.  He appeals to me on a certain social level.  Unfortunately, I find the social issues will not save our country.  So, the fiscal conservative in me sees Romney as the type who may be able to fix things.  Now, I don't expect anyone any time soon to actually fix our economy.  It's so incredibly broken.  Sometimes I wonder if our country/government just needs a complete "redo."  

Back to voting for a candidate on a personal level.. Another reason I would vote for Romney.  I feel Obama has not listened to the voices of everyone.  Granted, how is a single president supposed to listen to the voices of every citizen in the country.  How is a God going to listen to every single prayer or request of the human race?  On that personal level, I feel Romney would be better for our nation's military.  I'm not meaning planes and weapons here, I'm talking about the actual people of our armed forces.  Really, in all honesty, I would vote for Ron Paul if he stood a chance, but unfortunately he doesn't.  I tend to feel Bush understood the needs of our service members and their families (or even the veterans and retirees) because he did serve in the military.  Yes, I know Romney didn't, but I do think it should be a requirement in order to run for president.  

Needless to say, I cannot wait for election day.  I can't wait for this madness to end.  With social media and an election season the truly ugly or ignorant sides of people do come out from time to time.  And I don't mean everyone.  There are a very SELECT few and most have already been removed from my news feed.  

Anyway, you can take whatever you want from this post.  But remember it is MY opinion and I'm not looking for a debate (and not just because I feel I may be wrong either), but because it is my opinion and I'm at least entitled to that.  

XY chromosomes rock

I certainly can appreciate a hot bod.  Especially if the hot bod is made up of long hair and nice muscles, tattoos are definitely nice, but not a must. 
I love football season.  I love going to heavy metal shows.  I love being female, the one with the XX chromosomes! 
That is all, for now.

Actions speak louder than words

There is one person in this world I'd like to talk to the most right now and can't, because he's dead.
I feel blah, emotionally detached, antisocial, maybe a side of depressed. I really didn't know come Monday I would feel like this. The same person who allowed me to enter into this "funk" is also the same person who tells me no one else can ever make you feel a certain way without your permission. Maybe not word for word, but same thing in as many words. I can't believe getting a tattoo would cause such a ruckus with certain relationships. At the end of the day, I know who is always by my side and accepting of me no matter what and that's all that matters.
So, for the person not speaking to me right now: why??? I'm not a bad person. I live an honest and just life. I'm a good person, wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter. So what is it I've done throughout my life to make you seem ashamed of me at times? Yes, you say it's disappointment but really this isn't the first time something like this has occurred. Why is it that others can TRULY accept me for me but it seems you can't? I doubt you will read this. I may even end up deleting it, but it just needed to come off my chest one way or another.

Lessons in life can be hard

There are times when I wish I was more girlie. Not totally sure where this came from, but I think the late time insomnia and medicine has a small something to do with it.
I doubt my husband would truly mind if I was more lady-like. When we started dating, I wasn't especially girly. I wore make up and the occasional dress or skirt. But he married the Air Force, country girl from northern California.
I used to get my nails done quite frequently. I actually love having fake nails, it just gets rather pricey from time to time.
Honestly though, I just wish I was more girly a times. Maybe I will feel the opportunity will be more possible after I get to a decent goal weight. There are SO many cute clothes and outfits I don't feel like I can wear because I'm not physically appealing to myself. There's that saying about loving yourself before you can love others that comes to mind. Maybe if I felt more physically appealing to myself I will feel like I'm more appealing to my husband?
He tells me I'm beautiful and loves me the way I am. But to be honest, I don't love me.

Growing up...

Growing up is a fascinating thing to me.  Watching my children grow is highly fascinating as well. 

Yesterday I passed one of my old high schools, I went to two.  And I started thinking about the wreck I was in my Freshman year of high school.  I was riding with my boyfriend at the time as we were going out for a date.  I am from a town of a few hundred people outside of Redding, CA which has a population of about 80,000.  Anyway, we were traveling on the country roads on our way into "town" for our date.  He didn't see the stop sign at the intersection of a country road and a very busy 55/65 mph highway.  As we fly past the stop sign, I look out my window and remember this van coming very close to hitting me.  I thought we passed it when, WHAM!  The van hit the back of his jeep and tore the back hatch entirely off the vehicle.

Anyway, I ended up with a huge goose egg/bump on my forehead and a concussion.  I was unable to play basketball for 2 weeks and I was slightly devastated.  Of course I was more worried at the time about if mom was going to kill my boyfriend and missing a few games.  I didn't kiss the ground everyday and praise a God that I was happy to be alive. 

It was a day or two later that the swelling began to go down, but 2 black circles emerged around and under my eyes.  I was unaware that jokes had already begun around school.  I had raccoon eyes, which was apparently quite humorous to my peers.  But, what I remember the most is one particular joke going around about myself and how we ended up crashing. 

It made me think, hope, and pray my children never have to endure anything like what I went through as a kid.  I'm mostly worried for Shannon since she is my special kid and like me in so many ways.  I was already socially awkward and a chatterbox (surprise surprise).  I never felt normal almost the entire time I was in school.  I was pretty much picked on from day one and it stopped after I joined the military. 

As an adult, you begin to realize the personal struggles one endures on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, or at least I have.  After my mom's house burnt down, she was basically homeless, with no bra, and no shoes.  So she went to the store to buy items to replace those since she didn't have any.  I'm sure she got stares and possible rude comments.  But it's because people can be heartless and judgemental.  We learn it at an early age and sometimes it changes. 

So, here I was 15 years old and being laughed at in school after dodging death.  I REALLY could have died that day.  If that van hit his Jeep in the wrong way, I could have died.  And no one seemed to care.  I think some of my close friends did.  But people were too caught up in how to make fun of me than asking if truly was okay. 

It's been almost 10 years now, this November anyway.  And this is still bugging me.  I don't necessarily want or need to receive apologies from peers.  But I just hope people learn from bullying someday and teach their own kids how harmful bullying can be.  I've forgiven and forgotten.  I know the truth that day.  We were talking when he went through the stop sign, that is all.  No funny business. 

Glutton For Punishment

Well, I am!  Today I completed day 2 of TurboFire.  It's the first of many days on a course to a better me.  I forgot how much fun the workouts are, and how much I love them.  Seriously though, as the title says, I must be a real glutton for punishment.  I'm sore from my ankles to my neck.  I want more!  I'm back to being my old self, a workout/activity junkie. 

Tomorrow is my first rest day in week 1 of 9 in TurboFire.  But I'm going to spend the morning of my rest day at the gym hitting tennis balls.  TOTALLY excited for that.  I haven't participated in any kind of sport since 2004/2005.  Tomorrow morning the man who set up my membership is going to hit some balls in my direction and give me a rating.  Once I have a rating, I can find a group to play with, I hope!  Looking for a nice physical activity and hopefully I can meet some new people! 

5 Question Friday

1. Thunderstorms - love them or hate them?
~ Love love love love love them!  My love for thunderstorms started at a very young age.  One time I remember driving to an awesome spot in the northern California valley where we (my mom, dad, and I) could watch a thunderstorm one night.  It was magnificent. 

2. Do your kids get back to school clothes?
~ Yes!  I did, so why shouldn't they?  My grandma and I always used to go shopping before school started every year.  This year is technically my first "back to school year" as a parent.  So, when my mother was in town, we drove up to Park City and went shopping.

3. Do you golf?  Do you watch it?
~ No and NO!  I have no desire to watch it whatsoever.  Now I'm not knocking the opportunity to ever play golf, I just don't feel an immediate need to do so.

4. Showers or baths?
~ Showers.  I don't like our bathtub enough to take a bath in it.  Now, if I had a big, deep one like my mother's, I just might take more baths.  Besides, it's hard for me to just relax.  So I would have to read a book or be doing something while taking a bath.

5. What's the strangest meal you ever ate?
~ Strangest?  Hmm, not too sure.  I'm a VERY picky eater, so there really isn't much of anything strange I will eat.  I've eaten escargot before.  That's pretty strange, to me anyway. 

The questions for 5QF can be found at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/

Why be discouraged??

I found myself irritated today when I woke up.  I was in a lot of pain, it didn't matter which way I moved in bed, I hurt.  Due to that physical state, I saw no desire to get out of bed.  My children were playing quietly in their room, I had my phone and iPad there.  I was pretty much convinced I could lie there all day. 
But I didn't.  After being awake for 20-25 minutes, I convinced myself to get out of bed.  Found the willpower and I did it.  A few hours later, I was still in a lot of pain and it had me really discouraged.  I pretty much stayed on the couch until the husband came home.  Wait, I take that back, 30 minutes or so before he walked in the door, I started folding laundry.  And that's when it hit me...
A week ago, I couldn't even walk on my own.  I still needed to be assisted when I walked.  I was finally able to cook dinner tonight for the first time in two weeks.  I'm still only 2 weeks post op on my knee as of Thursday.  My knee can be bent almost comfortably now, even though I still can't sit Indian style.  Another small improvement, I can cross my ankles when I sit on the couch now and I can cross my legs.  That is something I haven't been able to do without pain in almost 2 months. 
So, when I get discouraged for not being 100% yet, I need to sit back and look at the small accomplishments.  I've always been this way though, so it's hard to be any different.  I'm my biggest (and worst) critic when it comes to some things.  Today I was proud of myself for not completely beating myself up.  Saturday was the first day I was walking completely unassisted.  That was less than a week ago!  I just need to keep exercising the way the doctor showed me; I need to keep getting up and moving, even if it hurts.  I can do this!  I just need to be my biggest fan or cheerleader versus critic.  I can do this!!

So excited, I can hardly contain myself

Today, my mom and I went and looked at a gym I researched a month ago. I was waiting to go tour and talk to the membership director because of my upcoming knee surgery. Well, surgery was on the 11th and went great! Knee was actually in better shape than anticipated.



This gym is AMAZING! It has 20 indoor/outdoor tennis courts, racquetball, basketball, free weights, machines, cardio machines, indoor/outdoor track, spin room, fitness classes, pool, spa, bar, and supplement/drink shop. Seriously, it has everything and more I've ever wanted in a gym.


Starting next week, I want to start doing the Wii Fit again and use a stationary bike (as suggested by the orthopedic surgeon). In the next few weeks, I'd like to get that membership going and get rated to play tennis at the gym's club. Once I start that, I would also like to swap out the Wii Fit for my TurboFire program.


I've lost 20 lbs so far with Weight Watchers and I still have about 25-30 more to go. Goal now is to lose and tone up. And I cannot wait to get started!!!

PS...

Just forgot something for the last post.  Not only should one not tell people what to post and what not to post on social network sites, don't tell people how to live their lives either!!! 
Things in life will only be a big deal if someone makes it a big deal.  What's the saying, no use making mountains out of mole hills?? 

Something has been on my mind

So, once again I am fed up with the world of social networking.  Remember a year ago or longer when I said social networking isn't the place for dating and such?  Well, who am I to judge what social networking is for..?  That's the main point I am getting at here.
I am beyond tired of seeing the constant pity parties, whining, self-loathing, beyond unintelligent posts I see on Facebook. The sheer stupidity of people never ceases to amaze me.  But, I still don't feel like it is my job to tell someone what they should or shouldn't post on social sites.  After all, that's what they are intended for.  Also, I don't feel like anyone should try to dictate what myself or others do either. 
I rarely take offense to things or become offended in any way.  It is REALLY hard to shock me too.  So, the other day this family friend wrote a post on Facebook.  Voicing his opinion of what should and should not be posted basically.  Also telling us, his "friends," there would be a "strike three" rule implemented.  I'm pretty sure one of the examples he gave of things to probably not share on Facebook was semi directed at me. 
After I took my bandages and wrap off my knee (I recently had arthroscopic knee surgery) I took a photo and posted it to my mother's "wall."  No big deal, I thought it would be easier than posting it on my own for everyone to see.  Granted, it wasn't THAT gross at all.  So, one of this person's examples was to not post recent surgery scars either.  How could I NOT think that wasn't meant for me??  Well, maybe unless someone else had posted one that truly was obscene.
It bothered me most of the night and part of the next morning.  Who are we to tell others what they should and should not post?  Granted I am somewhat guilty for complaining about things people "liked" on some random page and it still popped up on my wall.  Thank you, friend, for "liking" the photo of the woman on the guy's shoulders in a towel.  Said male was pinning the girl against the wall with his face into her crotch.  Disgusting, and I didn't need to see it on my wall, and my 3 year old next to me certainly didn't need to see anything of that sort.  But, I didn't go to that friend and tell him not to "like" or comment on that stuff because it would pop up in my feed.  I just simply changed some settings.  
Anyway, my point here is I shouldn't have to think before posting something if it's going to offend someone or cause someone to unfriend me.  Really, it's my page, I will do with it as I see fit.  If you don't like what I say or post on there, unfriend me.  It's really quite easy and would save from any unnecessary drama or bullshit.  With that being said.  Rant over.  Thinking it's time for bed.  Until tomorrow, my friends.   

Five Question Friday

1. Is love at 1st sight possible?
~ NO!  Heavens no.  Lust at first sight, yes; lust at first sight, no! 

2. How did you choose your pet's name?
~ Easy, I didn't choose it.  My husband and I battled over names for over a week.  I don't remember how he came up with the name, but I eventually agreed.  Thorgrim Doomhammer.

3. What are you considering giving up (cable, home phone)?
~ Not sure if there's much of anything I'm considering giving up.  If it came down to it, I'd give up the home phone.  Or I would try to downgrade our cable, get rid of the movie channels.

4. How much do you pay your babysitter?
~ 10/hr for our 14 year old babysitter usually.  $5/each kid. 

5. How "young" is old enough to babysit?
~ When I was a kid, I believe the rule was 13.  At 13, I was able to take a babysitting class at a local hospital.  So, I like if the babysitter is 13 or older.

The questions for 5GF can be found at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/

5QF

1. What's your favorite childhood snack that you still eat as an adult?
~  No idea, I didn't really snack much.  So I'm not totally sure how to answer this.  One thing I absolutely loved as a kid was peanut butter on apple slices!

2.  What food will you not eat the low fat version of?
~  Haha, there's definitely more than one!!  I'm  more into practicing self control of the good foods vs constantly going low fat.

3.  What's your favorite way to cool off during the summer?
~  Peach iced tea and a cold apartment!

4.  What's your favorite summer read?
~  Anything?  I don't have a specific book I read just during the summer.  I'll read anything that looks good.

5.  What are you doing to stay cool during this awful heat?
~  Awful heat??  Oh man, this is a mild summer, haha.  I grew up with 110-120 degree temperature.  To stay cool, I stay hydrated, stick to the shade, and eat lots of fresh fruit!

The questions for 5QF can be found at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/

Day 3, Complete

Day 1: Kitchen
Day 2: Laundry
Day 3: Bathrooms and all of the above. 
I think I did pretty okay.  Did toilets, front bathroom sink, litter box and swept front bathroom.  I picked all the clothes and towels up in the back bathroom.  Got a hold on laundry, did bedding, cooked meals, and washed all the dishes from today.  I would say I'm fairly content with today's progress.  This was all on top of helping out with my friend's 5 kids downstairs.  She was admitted to the hospital early this morning and had her gallbladder removed this afternoon.  It's 1130 at night and I'm finally getting a chance to rest a little more.  Not sure what I have set as my goal for tomorrow.  Maybe the dining room so we can eat at the table as a family again. 
Growing up, we only ate at the dining room table once, maybe twice a year.  Aside from that, it was the hub or store all for random items and junk.  I seem to have carried on this trait from my childhood.  So as an adult, I have always enjoyed sitting down and actually eating a meal with my little family. 
To some this may seem like some boring post about a housewife actually seeing to her housewife duties.  To me it is something more.  I'm attempting to hold myself accountable and keep track of the progress I make.  I've been pretty happy lately as well.  Maybe my sense of accomplishment, or lack thereof, really does affect my mood!

In Touch With Reality?

I think so...
Reality has sunk in, mostly.  I've been injured since May 24th.  I saw the orthopedic surgeon this week and he's almost 100% positive it is a torn meniscus.  To what degree, we are still unsure.  I will most likely have an MRI done this week.  My next appointment with the doc is on the 28th. 
I left his office fighting back tears.  There is so much I'd like to do and so much I'm still trying to do.  I have 2 great tennis rackets and now have the ambition and the funds to join a local tennis club.  That will now have to be put on hold.  I wanna do awesome things with my babies this summer, and those plans will have to be temporarily put on hold as well. 
The self pity party started back up again Thursday night at the Toby Keith concert and continued into last night.  No more!  I have decided there is no time better than ever other than now to carry on my weight loss journey.  After all, I started this voyage without clearance to do much physical activity due to my asthma.  After talking to 2 really awesome friends, I've decided to stick with weight watchers through to recovery.  One friend made a very valid point tonight that my recovery will be MUCH easier if I maintain my healthy diet.  So that is just what I'm going to do.  I will still try to be as active as my knee and doctor allow, but I will not break myself worse than I already may be. 
Also, I have about 2 1/2 weeks before my 6 year old returns home from grandma's house.  She brings such joy to my life and I can't wait to have her back.  Needless to say, my housewife skills have been less than stellar over the past few months.  So, I would like to use these 2 1/2 weeks of just having one child to my absolute benefit. 
For the last 2 days in a row, I've picked one larger daily task.  The first day was the kitchen.  I got all the dishes done and decluttered most of the counters, it was definitely an improvement.  When my knee said it was time to quit, I did, and still felt a sense of accomplishment.  Today, my task was to get all caught up on laundry and de-clutter some of the random clothes strung about in my bedroom.  I was folding clothes from about 10/11 am until about 9:30 tonight.  I even made a wonderful steak and potato dinner for the husband, put away all dishes from dinner, and helped out with our 3 year old as best as I could.  Tomorrow I hope to tackle the bathrooms. 
I have clutter everywhere.  I'm ashamed of it and not proud.  I'm a pretty mild hoarder, but also have ADD, so things often get set somewhere and totally forgotten about.  Once I finally find the courage to work on my "organized chaos" I feel overwhelmed and quick to give up.  Not now!  I need this apartment in perfect shape for my Nanner bug to come home.  Also, if I'm going to be on the mend from surgery for 2 weeks to a month, it needs to be in pristine condition then too.  I believe my mother wants to come out to help and the husband may be able to get some time off.  Needless to say, I will be on the mend and unable to do everything on my own.  And it is going to KILL me!  Lastly, we are going to add a new member to our family here in about 5 or so weeks.  No, I'm not pregnant.  We are getting a kitten.  I don't want kitty to feel overwhelmed in his new environment either, nor do I want him hiding or pottying in any random pile he can find. 
So!  With that being said, this is my hoarder confession.  I'd post pictures to show progress, but at the time I'm just not willing to comply (haha).  I might.  But here I am stating my intentions for all to see.  In the past, I have made goals with horrible or nonexistent follow through, and I'm hoping to change. 

5 Question Friday

1.  Would you grow your hair out to donate it?
~ I actually used to do that in high school.  Probably not any more considering it takes a decade for my hair to even grow past my shoulders.  Maybe someday again.

2.  What song makes you think of summer?
~ You know, I've never really thought about it.  I would say "All Summer Long" by Kid Rock.

3.  Are you a flip flop or sandals kind of person?
~ Well, I am from California.. Definitely flip flops.

4.  Favorite summer treat?
~ Call me crazy here, watermelon.  I'm not overly huge on snow cones or much of anything like that.  But I can definitely eat watermelon and cherries all day long in the summer.

5.  Do you do something special for the father of your children?
~ To be honest, not really.  I don't care too much for Mother's Day, and he doesn't care much for Father's Day.  The kids on the other hand, they love to tell him "happy Father's Day" and get little things for him.  Frankly, I think it should be up to the kids to do the little things for the parents on those days.

The questions for 5QF can be found at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/