I'm Me

Husband left Friday afternoon to spend 9 days in the wilderness of Utah. Yes, it's hunting season. My stress level seemed to plummet drastically come Saturday morning. I don't know what it is.. maybe it's the fact that the kids are MUCH easier to cook for than he is. The first day is usually hard, but even their behavior seems to change when they know daddy isn't going to be home right away. I don't know if they just get so anxious during the day when they know he's coming home or on his way home from work, but their behavior is much different.

Today is Monday, Shannon is currently staying home from school thanks to her 102 degree fever yesterday. It was still pretty low grade this morning, but still remained a fever. I really wanted to tackle a few things this week while he is away. Honestly it's just easier that way, the girls pretty much entertain themselves or each other while I fold, scrub, whatever away.

I hate when people say I'm my husband's mother or how I'm not standing my ground. Here's a little bit of history.. The day we signed the marriage certificate, we talked about what each one of us will contribute to this marriage, to the home, to each other, you get the point. Yes, it went according to plan in the beginning, but then life happens. Both being in the military, and in training at the time, we had to stay on top of our language classes. I got pregnant, morning sickness kicked in, cleaning, eating, cooking, it all seemed to make me sick. Anyway, after baby came, I had double duty on top of working, that's when I started getting overwhelmed. After I got out of the military, I pretty much took on everything. It wasn't that I "became my husband's mother." I wanted things done, and I wanted them done a specific way. I'm not going to lie, I'm a control freak and I have some OCD-like quirks.

My husband isn't necessarily lazy, he just doesn't seem to take the initiative. If I want something done, I have to ask him. I can understand this, because I have (more than once) seen him take the initiative, then I snapped at him or did something to discourage him from wanting to ever try that again. Yes, I have brought this upon myself, I know this. I would like to believe I've gotten better at letting others do things for me once in a while, and believe it or not, I even ask for help once in a while. I've come to learn that it is OKAY to ask for help once in a while, I call it my "Supermom" complex.

So, to my friend, who I know will probably never read this.. I know you weren't trying to judge me. You were only expressing the observation(s). But it has been eating at me for the last 2 days. You said you weren't interested in the history of it, just wanted to know how I intended on changing it. Either way, it still was weighing heavily on my mind. Thank you for offering to help me with whatever I needed, but frankly, I need to do this on my own. I got in over my head, years ago, and I've been digging myself out, little by little, ever since.

I'm not a hardcore hoarder, but I am a hoarder. Which doesn't make the tasks of everyday life very easy. I have ADD, which sometimes makes it hard to focus on those everyday tasks, and even the larger tasks linked to the hoarding. For instance, going through all of my dad's crap still seems overwhelming to this day. Being a control freak doesn't help much either. If other people just dive in and start "messing with my stuff" it sends my anxiety through the roof. I don't know what you're going to do with it or where you're going to put it.. And my wonderful husband has to deal with this everyday of his life. It's not easy living with me, I know this. But lately he knows I've been trying my best, and I'm getting better. So, next time whether it's a judgment, or just an observation, maybe you should try hearing me out. It's still criticism and it still drives me nuts.