My head is spinning...

I must be crazy. At least that's what my family would think. My mother's side anyway. My grandma, my mom, myself, we are mostly the only children to our parents. I have a half-sister. But my mom and grandma had no siblings at all. I still consider myself an only child because my sister is 19 years older than me. So, I definitely did things a little differently by having 2 kids of my own, with the same father.

So, back to the crazy talk. I am baby crazy, I've been in denial about not being baby crazy. But I'm totally, completely, utterly baby crazy. You may say I'm crazy even.. I mean, I'll be the first to admit, my girls are a handful! But dang, I would love to bring another life into this world. I even told the husband I was done! We have 2, one for each parent, one for each arm, one for each seat in the backseat. Plenty of people manage 3/4 kids just fine, I need to make sure I can too. Emotionally, financially, physically.

My pregnancies haven't exactly been the easiest. They haven't told me I won't be able to have kids again, but the cervical cancer scare last year made me think I never would want kids again. Emotionally, my first pregnancy was hard. She was born 5 days after my dad died and the recovery was rough! Pretty sure I had a little post-partum with her as well. Financially, two kids are pretty easy to manage. I still want to be able to give my kids the kind of life I had. I doubt I would have done half the cool stuff I did if I had siblings. Honestly, a 3 week trip in France was stressful enough with just my mother and grandmother. I couldn't imagine what it would have been like if I had siblings. Either we wouldn't have gone with mom and grandma, or it would have been way more stressful.

I don't know if I'm being totally irrational here by wanting another/more, or if it is rational. I don't know if I'd be feeling selfish by not wanting more. I know the husband isn't totally opposed to the fact, since he's said we should talk about it in a year/few years.

Maybe I should just let this go and just be genuinely happy for my friends instead of trying to live vicariously through their pregnancies or pining for my another of my own.