Nearly 4 am here, lying in bed next to my perfectly warm, sleeping husband. Unfortunately for me, I'm wide awake. I have a massive amount of crap running through my head.
I keep thinking of all the things I need to do over the next few days. I am thinking about Christmas and how to prepare for that. But the biggest thing currently on my mind is being 2 states away from my family.
My 89 year old grandma, the matriarch of the family has basically been classified as terminally ill with cancer and there really isn't much I can do to help or anything in any way from 2 states away.
The recent news of the hospital's wishes for her to enter into a hospice and seeing her decline over the last year has begun to take its toll on me. Some parts are bringing up old feelings from when I went through this with my father.
I think I need therapy again. I need to know how to cope with this. The kids are still so young, I'm not certain how it will impact them. I'm worried about my mother worst of all. Now and after my grandmother passes. My mom lost her father at a young age and it hit her hard. I cannot begin to fathom what this may do to her. So I think it would be best for everyone if I went back to see my psychologist. I need to figure out how best to help everyone around me and myself as we all grieve differently.
Well, I think I may finally be going cross-eyed and would love to prevent my phone from landing flat on my face.