There is one person in this world I'd like to talk to the most right now and can't, because he's dead.
I feel blah, emotionally detached, antisocial, maybe a side of depressed. I really didn't know come Monday I would feel like this. The same person who allowed me to enter into this "funk" is also the same person who tells me no one else can ever make you feel a certain way without your permission. Maybe not word for word, but same thing in as many words. I can't believe getting a tattoo would cause such a ruckus with certain relationships. At the end of the day, I know who is always by my side and accepting of me no matter what and that's all that matters.
So, for the person not speaking to me right now: why??? I'm not a bad person. I live an honest and just life. I'm a good person, wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter. So what is it I've done throughout my life to make you seem ashamed of me at times? Yes, you say it's disappointment but really this isn't the first time something like this has occurred. Why is it that others can TRULY accept me for me but it seems you can't? I doubt you will read this. I may even end up deleting it, but it just needed to come off my chest one way or another.
Team Beachbody!
Monday, September 10, 2012
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Lessons in life can be hard
There are times when I wish I was more girlie. Not totally sure where this came from, but I think the late time insomnia and medicine has a small something to do with it.
I doubt my husband would truly mind if I was more lady-like. When we started dating, I wasn't especially girly. I wore make up and the occasional dress or skirt. But he married the Air Force, country girl from northern California.
I used to get my nails done quite frequently. I actually love having fake nails, it just gets rather pricey from time to time.
Honestly though, I just wish I was more girly a times. Maybe I will feel the opportunity will be more possible after I get to a decent goal weight. There are SO many cute clothes and outfits I don't feel like I can wear because I'm not physically appealing to myself. There's that saying about loving yourself before you can love others that comes to mind. Maybe if I felt more physically appealing to myself I will feel like I'm more appealing to my husband?
He tells me I'm beautiful and loves me the way I am. But to be honest, I don't love me.
I doubt my husband would truly mind if I was more lady-like. When we started dating, I wasn't especially girly. I wore make up and the occasional dress or skirt. But he married the Air Force, country girl from northern California.
I used to get my nails done quite frequently. I actually love having fake nails, it just gets rather pricey from time to time.
Honestly though, I just wish I was more girly a times. Maybe I will feel the opportunity will be more possible after I get to a decent goal weight. There are SO many cute clothes and outfits I don't feel like I can wear because I'm not physically appealing to myself. There's that saying about loving yourself before you can love others that comes to mind. Maybe if I felt more physically appealing to myself I will feel like I'm more appealing to my husband?
He tells me I'm beautiful and loves me the way I am. But to be honest, I don't love me.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Growing up...
Growing up is a fascinating thing to me. Watching my children grow is highly fascinating as well.
Yesterday I passed one of my old high schools, I went to two. And I started thinking about the wreck I was in my Freshman year of high school. I was riding with my boyfriend at the time as we were going out for a date. I am from a town of a few hundred people outside of Redding, CA which has a population of about 80,000. Anyway, we were traveling on the country roads on our way into "town" for our date. He didn't see the stop sign at the intersection of a country road and a very busy 55/65 mph highway. As we fly past the stop sign, I look out my window and remember this van coming very close to hitting me. I thought we passed it when, WHAM! The van hit the back of his jeep and tore the back hatch entirely off the vehicle.
Anyway, I ended up with a huge goose egg/bump on my forehead and a concussion. I was unable to play basketball for 2 weeks and I was slightly devastated. Of course I was more worried at the time about if mom was going to kill my boyfriend and missing a few games. I didn't kiss the ground everyday and praise a God that I was happy to be alive.
It was a day or two later that the swelling began to go down, but 2 black circles emerged around and under my eyes. I was unaware that jokes had already begun around school. I had raccoon eyes, which was apparently quite humorous to my peers. But, what I remember the most is one particular joke going around about myself and how we ended up crashing.
It made me think, hope, and pray my children never have to endure anything like what I went through as a kid. I'm mostly worried for Shannon since she is my special kid and like me in so many ways. I was already socially awkward and a chatterbox (surprise surprise). I never felt normal almost the entire time I was in school. I was pretty much picked on from day one and it stopped after I joined the military.
As an adult, you begin to realize the personal struggles one endures on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, or at least I have. After my mom's house burnt down, she was basically homeless, with no bra, and no shoes. So she went to the store to buy items to replace those since she didn't have any. I'm sure she got stares and possible rude comments. But it's because people can be heartless and judgemental. We learn it at an early age and sometimes it changes.
So, here I was 15 years old and being laughed at in school after dodging death. I REALLY could have died that day. If that van hit his Jeep in the wrong way, I could have died. And no one seemed to care. I think some of my close friends did. But people were too caught up in how to make fun of me than asking if truly was okay.
It's been almost 10 years now, this November anyway. And this is still bugging me. I don't necessarily want or need to receive apologies from peers. But I just hope people learn from bullying someday and teach their own kids how harmful bullying can be. I've forgiven and forgotten. I know the truth that day. We were talking when he went through the stop sign, that is all. No funny business.
Yesterday I passed one of my old high schools, I went to two. And I started thinking about the wreck I was in my Freshman year of high school. I was riding with my boyfriend at the time as we were going out for a date. I am from a town of a few hundred people outside of Redding, CA which has a population of about 80,000. Anyway, we were traveling on the country roads on our way into "town" for our date. He didn't see the stop sign at the intersection of a country road and a very busy 55/65 mph highway. As we fly past the stop sign, I look out my window and remember this van coming very close to hitting me. I thought we passed it when, WHAM! The van hit the back of his jeep and tore the back hatch entirely off the vehicle.
Anyway, I ended up with a huge goose egg/bump on my forehead and a concussion. I was unable to play basketball for 2 weeks and I was slightly devastated. Of course I was more worried at the time about if mom was going to kill my boyfriend and missing a few games. I didn't kiss the ground everyday and praise a God that I was happy to be alive.
It was a day or two later that the swelling began to go down, but 2 black circles emerged around and under my eyes. I was unaware that jokes had already begun around school. I had raccoon eyes, which was apparently quite humorous to my peers. But, what I remember the most is one particular joke going around about myself and how we ended up crashing.
It made me think, hope, and pray my children never have to endure anything like what I went through as a kid. I'm mostly worried for Shannon since she is my special kid and like me in so many ways. I was already socially awkward and a chatterbox (surprise surprise). I never felt normal almost the entire time I was in school. I was pretty much picked on from day one and it stopped after I joined the military.
As an adult, you begin to realize the personal struggles one endures on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, or at least I have. After my mom's house burnt down, she was basically homeless, with no bra, and no shoes. So she went to the store to buy items to replace those since she didn't have any. I'm sure she got stares and possible rude comments. But it's because people can be heartless and judgemental. We learn it at an early age and sometimes it changes.
So, here I was 15 years old and being laughed at in school after dodging death. I REALLY could have died that day. If that van hit his Jeep in the wrong way, I could have died. And no one seemed to care. I think some of my close friends did. But people were too caught up in how to make fun of me than asking if truly was okay.
It's been almost 10 years now, this November anyway. And this is still bugging me. I don't necessarily want or need to receive apologies from peers. But I just hope people learn from bullying someday and teach their own kids how harmful bullying can be. I've forgiven and forgotten. I know the truth that day. We were talking when he went through the stop sign, that is all. No funny business.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Glutton For Punishment
Well, I am! Today I completed day 2 of TurboFire. It's the first of many days on a course to a better me. I forgot how much fun the workouts are, and how much I love them. Seriously though, as the title says, I must be a real glutton for punishment. I'm sore from my ankles to my neck. I want more! I'm back to being my old self, a workout/activity junkie.
Tomorrow is my first rest day in week 1 of 9 in TurboFire. But I'm going to spend the morning of my rest day at the gym hitting tennis balls. TOTALLY excited for that. I haven't participated in any kind of sport since 2004/2005. Tomorrow morning the man who set up my membership is going to hit some balls in my direction and give me a rating. Once I have a rating, I can find a group to play with, I hope! Looking for a nice physical activity and hopefully I can meet some new people!
Tomorrow is my first rest day in week 1 of 9 in TurboFire. But I'm going to spend the morning of my rest day at the gym hitting tennis balls. TOTALLY excited for that. I haven't participated in any kind of sport since 2004/2005. Tomorrow morning the man who set up my membership is going to hit some balls in my direction and give me a rating. Once I have a rating, I can find a group to play with, I hope! Looking for a nice physical activity and hopefully I can meet some new people!
5 Question Friday
1. Thunderstorms - love them or hate them?
~ Love love love love love them! My love for thunderstorms started at a very young age. One time I remember driving to an awesome spot in the northern California valley where we (my mom, dad, and I) could watch a thunderstorm one night. It was magnificent.
2. Do your kids get back to school clothes?
~ Yes! I did, so why shouldn't they? My grandma and I always used to go shopping before school started every year. This year is technically my first "back to school year" as a parent. So, when my mother was in town, we drove up to Park City and went shopping.
3. Do you golf? Do you watch it?
~ No and NO! I have no desire to watch it whatsoever. Now I'm not knocking the opportunity to ever play golf, I just don't feel an immediate need to do so.
4. Showers or baths?
~ Showers. I don't like our bathtub enough to take a bath in it. Now, if I had a big, deep one like my mother's, I just might take more baths. Besides, it's hard for me to just relax. So I would have to read a book or be doing something while taking a bath.
5. What's the strangest meal you ever ate?
~ Strangest? Hmm, not too sure. I'm a VERY picky eater, so there really isn't much of anything strange I will eat. I've eaten escargot before. That's pretty strange, to me anyway.
The questions for 5QF can be found at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/
~ Love love love love love them! My love for thunderstorms started at a very young age. One time I remember driving to an awesome spot in the northern California valley where we (my mom, dad, and I) could watch a thunderstorm one night. It was magnificent.
2. Do your kids get back to school clothes?
~ Yes! I did, so why shouldn't they? My grandma and I always used to go shopping before school started every year. This year is technically my first "back to school year" as a parent. So, when my mother was in town, we drove up to Park City and went shopping.
3. Do you golf? Do you watch it?
~ No and NO! I have no desire to watch it whatsoever. Now I'm not knocking the opportunity to ever play golf, I just don't feel an immediate need to do so.
4. Showers or baths?
~ Showers. I don't like our bathtub enough to take a bath in it. Now, if I had a big, deep one like my mother's, I just might take more baths. Besides, it's hard for me to just relax. So I would have to read a book or be doing something while taking a bath.
5. What's the strangest meal you ever ate?
~ Strangest? Hmm, not too sure. I'm a VERY picky eater, so there really isn't much of anything strange I will eat. I've eaten escargot before. That's pretty strange, to me anyway.
The questions for 5QF can be found at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Why be discouraged??
I found myself irritated today when I woke up. I was in a lot of pain, it didn't matter which way I moved in bed, I hurt. Due to that physical state, I saw no desire to get out of bed. My children were playing quietly in their room, I had my phone and iPad there. I was pretty much convinced I could lie there all day.
But I didn't. After being awake for 20-25 minutes, I convinced myself to get out of bed. Found the willpower and I did it. A few hours later, I was still in a lot of pain and it had me really discouraged. I pretty much stayed on the couch until the husband came home. Wait, I take that back, 30 minutes or so before he walked in the door, I started folding laundry. And that's when it hit me...
A week ago, I couldn't even walk on my own. I still needed to be assisted when I walked. I was finally able to cook dinner tonight for the first time in two weeks. I'm still only 2 weeks post op on my knee as of Thursday. My knee can be bent almost comfortably now, even though I still can't sit Indian style. Another small improvement, I can cross my ankles when I sit on the couch now and I can cross my legs. That is something I haven't been able to do without pain in almost 2 months.
So, when I get discouraged for not being 100% yet, I need to sit back and look at the small accomplishments. I've always been this way though, so it's hard to be any different. I'm my biggest (and worst) critic when it comes to some things. Today I was proud of myself for not completely beating myself up. Saturday was the first day I was walking completely unassisted. That was less than a week ago! I just need to keep exercising the way the doctor showed me; I need to keep getting up and moving, even if it hurts. I can do this! I just need to be my biggest fan or cheerleader versus critic. I can do this!!
But I didn't. After being awake for 20-25 minutes, I convinced myself to get out of bed. Found the willpower and I did it. A few hours later, I was still in a lot of pain and it had me really discouraged. I pretty much stayed on the couch until the husband came home. Wait, I take that back, 30 minutes or so before he walked in the door, I started folding laundry. And that's when it hit me...
A week ago, I couldn't even walk on my own. I still needed to be assisted when I walked. I was finally able to cook dinner tonight for the first time in two weeks. I'm still only 2 weeks post op on my knee as of Thursday. My knee can be bent almost comfortably now, even though I still can't sit Indian style. Another small improvement, I can cross my ankles when I sit on the couch now and I can cross my legs. That is something I haven't been able to do without pain in almost 2 months.
So, when I get discouraged for not being 100% yet, I need to sit back and look at the small accomplishments. I've always been this way though, so it's hard to be any different. I'm my biggest (and worst) critic when it comes to some things. Today I was proud of myself for not completely beating myself up. Saturday was the first day I was walking completely unassisted. That was less than a week ago! I just need to keep exercising the way the doctor showed me; I need to keep getting up and moving, even if it hurts. I can do this! I just need to be my biggest fan or cheerleader versus critic. I can do this!!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
So excited, I can hardly contain myself
Today, my mom and I went and looked at a gym I researched a month ago. I was waiting to go tour and talk to the membership director because of my upcoming knee surgery. Well, surgery was on the 11th and went great! Knee was actually in better shape than anticipated.
This gym is AMAZING! It has 20 indoor/outdoor tennis courts, racquetball, basketball, free weights, machines, cardio machines, indoor/outdoor track, spin room, fitness classes, pool, spa, bar, and supplement/drink shop. Seriously, it has everything and more I've ever wanted in a gym.
Starting next week, I want to start doing the Wii Fit again and use a stationary bike (as suggested by the orthopedic surgeon). In the next few weeks, I'd like to get that membership going and get rated to play tennis at the gym's club. Once I start that, I would also like to swap out the Wii Fit for my TurboFire program.
I've lost 20 lbs so far with Weight Watchers and I still have about 25-30 more to go. Goal now is to lose and tone up. And I cannot wait to get started!!!
This gym is AMAZING! It has 20 indoor/outdoor tennis courts, racquetball, basketball, free weights, machines, cardio machines, indoor/outdoor track, spin room, fitness classes, pool, spa, bar, and supplement/drink shop. Seriously, it has everything and more I've ever wanted in a gym.
Starting next week, I want to start doing the Wii Fit again and use a stationary bike (as suggested by the orthopedic surgeon). In the next few weeks, I'd like to get that membership going and get rated to play tennis at the gym's club. Once I start that, I would also like to swap out the Wii Fit for my TurboFire program.
I've lost 20 lbs so far with Weight Watchers and I still have about 25-30 more to go. Goal now is to lose and tone up. And I cannot wait to get started!!!
Friday, July 20, 2012
PS...
Just forgot something for the last post. Not only should one not tell people what to post and what not to post on social network sites, don't tell people how to live their lives either!!!
Things in life will only be a big deal if someone makes it a big deal. What's the saying, no use making mountains out of mole hills??
Things in life will only be a big deal if someone makes it a big deal. What's the saying, no use making mountains out of mole hills??
Something has been on my mind
So, once again I am fed up with the world of social networking. Remember a year ago or longer when I said social networking isn't the place for dating and such? Well, who am I to judge what social networking is for..? That's the main point I am getting at here.
I am beyond tired of seeing the constant pity parties, whining, self-loathing, beyond unintelligent posts I see on Facebook. The sheer stupidity of people never ceases to amaze me. But, I still don't feel like it is my job to tell someone what they should or shouldn't post on social sites. After all, that's what they are intended for. Also, I don't feel like anyone should try to dictate what myself or others do either.
I rarely take offense to things or become offended in any way. It is REALLY hard to shock me too. So, the other day this family friend wrote a post on Facebook. Voicing his opinion of what should and should not be posted basically. Also telling us, his "friends," there would be a "strike three" rule implemented. I'm pretty sure one of the examples he gave of things to probably not share on Facebook was semi directed at me.
After I took my bandages and wrap off my knee (I recently had arthroscopic knee surgery) I took a photo and posted it to my mother's "wall." No big deal, I thought it would be easier than posting it on my own for everyone to see. Granted, it wasn't THAT gross at all. So, one of this person's examples was to not post recent surgery scars either. How could I NOT think that wasn't meant for me?? Well, maybe unless someone else had posted one that truly was obscene.
It bothered me most of the night and part of the next morning. Who are we to tell others what they should and should not post? Granted I am somewhat guilty for complaining about things people "liked" on some random page and it still popped up on my wall. Thank you, friend, for "liking" the photo of the woman on the guy's shoulders in a towel. Said male was pinning the girl against the wall with his face into her crotch. Disgusting, and I didn't need to see it on my wall, and my 3 year old next to me certainly didn't need to see anything of that sort. But, I didn't go to that friend and tell him not to "like" or comment on that stuff because it would pop up in my feed. I just simply changed some settings.
Anyway, my point here is I shouldn't have to think before posting something if it's going to offend someone or cause someone to unfriend me. Really, it's my page, I will do with it as I see fit. If you don't like what I say or post on there, unfriend me. It's really quite easy and would save from any unnecessary drama or bullshit. With that being said. Rant over. Thinking it's time for bed. Until tomorrow, my friends.
I am beyond tired of seeing the constant pity parties, whining, self-loathing, beyond unintelligent posts I see on Facebook. The sheer stupidity of people never ceases to amaze me. But, I still don't feel like it is my job to tell someone what they should or shouldn't post on social sites. After all, that's what they are intended for. Also, I don't feel like anyone should try to dictate what myself or others do either.
I rarely take offense to things or become offended in any way. It is REALLY hard to shock me too. So, the other day this family friend wrote a post on Facebook. Voicing his opinion of what should and should not be posted basically. Also telling us, his "friends," there would be a "strike three" rule implemented. I'm pretty sure one of the examples he gave of things to probably not share on Facebook was semi directed at me.
After I took my bandages and wrap off my knee (I recently had arthroscopic knee surgery) I took a photo and posted it to my mother's "wall." No big deal, I thought it would be easier than posting it on my own for everyone to see. Granted, it wasn't THAT gross at all. So, one of this person's examples was to not post recent surgery scars either. How could I NOT think that wasn't meant for me?? Well, maybe unless someone else had posted one that truly was obscene.
It bothered me most of the night and part of the next morning. Who are we to tell others what they should and should not post? Granted I am somewhat guilty for complaining about things people "liked" on some random page and it still popped up on my wall. Thank you, friend, for "liking" the photo of the woman on the guy's shoulders in a towel. Said male was pinning the girl against the wall with his face into her crotch. Disgusting, and I didn't need to see it on my wall, and my 3 year old next to me certainly didn't need to see anything of that sort. But, I didn't go to that friend and tell him not to "like" or comment on that stuff because it would pop up in my feed. I just simply changed some settings.
Anyway, my point here is I shouldn't have to think before posting something if it's going to offend someone or cause someone to unfriend me. Really, it's my page, I will do with it as I see fit. If you don't like what I say or post on there, unfriend me. It's really quite easy and would save from any unnecessary drama or bullshit. With that being said. Rant over. Thinking it's time for bed. Until tomorrow, my friends.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Five Question Friday
1. Is love at 1st sight possible?
~ NO! Heavens no. Lust at first sight, yes; lust at first sight, no!
2. How did you choose your pet's name?
~ Easy, I didn't choose it. My husband and I battled over names for over a week. I don't remember how he came up with the name, but I eventually agreed. Thorgrim Doomhammer.
3. What are you considering giving up (cable, home phone)?
~ Not sure if there's much of anything I'm considering giving up. If it came down to it, I'd give up the home phone. Or I would try to downgrade our cable, get rid of the movie channels.
4. How much do you pay your babysitter?
~ 10/hr for our 14 year old babysitter usually. $5/each kid.
5. How "young" is old enough to babysit?
~ When I was a kid, I believe the rule was 13. At 13, I was able to take a babysitting class at a local hospital. So, I like if the babysitter is 13 or older.
The questions for 5GF can be found at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/
~ NO! Heavens no. Lust at first sight, yes; lust at first sight, no!
2. How did you choose your pet's name?
~ Easy, I didn't choose it. My husband and I battled over names for over a week. I don't remember how he came up with the name, but I eventually agreed. Thorgrim Doomhammer.
3. What are you considering giving up (cable, home phone)?
~ Not sure if there's much of anything I'm considering giving up. If it came down to it, I'd give up the home phone. Or I would try to downgrade our cable, get rid of the movie channels.
4. How much do you pay your babysitter?
~ 10/hr for our 14 year old babysitter usually. $5/each kid.
5. How "young" is old enough to babysit?
~ When I was a kid, I believe the rule was 13. At 13, I was able to take a babysitting class at a local hospital. So, I like if the babysitter is 13 or older.
The questions for 5GF can be found at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/
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