Nearly 4 am here, lying in bed next to my perfectly warm, sleeping husband. Unfortunately for me, I'm wide awake. I have a massive amount of crap running through my head.
I keep thinking of all the things I need to do over the next few days. I am thinking about Christmas and how to prepare for that. But the biggest thing currently on my mind is being 2 states away from my family.
My 89 year old grandma, the matriarch of the family has basically been classified as terminally ill with cancer and there really isn't much I can do to help or anything in any way from 2 states away.
The recent news of the hospital's wishes for her to enter into a hospice and seeing her decline over the last year has begun to take its toll on me. Some parts are bringing up old feelings from when I went through this with my father.
I think I need therapy again. I need to know how to cope with this. The kids are still so young, I'm not certain how it will impact them. I'm worried about my mother worst of all. Now and after my grandmother passes. My mom lost her father at a young age and it hit her hard. I cannot begin to fathom what this may do to her. So I think it would be best for everyone if I went back to see my psychologist. I need to figure out how best to help everyone around me and myself as we all grieve differently.
Well, I think I may finally be going cross-eyed and would love to prevent my phone from landing flat on my face.
Team Beachbody!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
4 more days
I keep posting it on Facebook, but feel I'm beating a dead horse.
I'm SO over this election nonsense. Obviously you vote for the candidate on a personal level of some sort, whether it's social, moral, spiritual, economic, etc. etc. reason. Either that or you just choose "the lesser of two evils." This is my second major election and proving to be my second difficult election. Being a Libertarian, I find positive things in both presidential candidates, but I find negative things as well. Whether you care to agree or not, given the circumstances, I believe Obama has really tried. Which, that's all a man can do, correct? I will give him credit for that. He appeals to me on a certain social level. Unfortunately, I find the social issues will not save our country. So, the fiscal conservative in me sees Romney as the type who may be able to fix things. Now, I don't expect anyone any time soon to actually fix our economy. It's so incredibly broken. Sometimes I wonder if our country/government just needs a complete "redo."
Back to voting for a candidate on a personal level.. Another reason I would vote for Romney. I feel Obama has not listened to the voices of everyone. Granted, how is a single president supposed to listen to the voices of every citizen in the country. How is a God going to listen to every single prayer or request of the human race? On that personal level, I feel Romney would be better for our nation's military. I'm not meaning planes and weapons here, I'm talking about the actual people of our armed forces. Really, in all honesty, I would vote for Ron Paul if he stood a chance, but unfortunately he doesn't. I tend to feel Bush understood the needs of our service members and their families (or even the veterans and retirees) because he did serve in the military. Yes, I know Romney didn't, but I do think it should be a requirement in order to run for president.
Needless to say, I cannot wait for election day. I can't wait for this madness to end. With social media and an election season the truly ugly or ignorant sides of people do come out from time to time. And I don't mean everyone. There are a very SELECT few and most have already been removed from my news feed.
Anyway, you can take whatever you want from this post. But remember it is MY opinion and I'm not looking for a debate (and not just because I feel I may be wrong either), but because it is my opinion and I'm at least entitled to that.
I'm SO over this election nonsense. Obviously you vote for the candidate on a personal level of some sort, whether it's social, moral, spiritual, economic, etc. etc. reason. Either that or you just choose "the lesser of two evils." This is my second major election and proving to be my second difficult election. Being a Libertarian, I find positive things in both presidential candidates, but I find negative things as well. Whether you care to agree or not, given the circumstances, I believe Obama has really tried. Which, that's all a man can do, correct? I will give him credit for that. He appeals to me on a certain social level. Unfortunately, I find the social issues will not save our country. So, the fiscal conservative in me sees Romney as the type who may be able to fix things. Now, I don't expect anyone any time soon to actually fix our economy. It's so incredibly broken. Sometimes I wonder if our country/government just needs a complete "redo."
Back to voting for a candidate on a personal level.. Another reason I would vote for Romney. I feel Obama has not listened to the voices of everyone. Granted, how is a single president supposed to listen to the voices of every citizen in the country. How is a God going to listen to every single prayer or request of the human race? On that personal level, I feel Romney would be better for our nation's military. I'm not meaning planes and weapons here, I'm talking about the actual people of our armed forces. Really, in all honesty, I would vote for Ron Paul if he stood a chance, but unfortunately he doesn't. I tend to feel Bush understood the needs of our service members and their families (or even the veterans and retirees) because he did serve in the military. Yes, I know Romney didn't, but I do think it should be a requirement in order to run for president.
Needless to say, I cannot wait for election day. I can't wait for this madness to end. With social media and an election season the truly ugly or ignorant sides of people do come out from time to time. And I don't mean everyone. There are a very SELECT few and most have already been removed from my news feed.
Anyway, you can take whatever you want from this post. But remember it is MY opinion and I'm not looking for a debate (and not just because I feel I may be wrong either), but because it is my opinion and I'm at least entitled to that.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
XY chromosomes rock
I certainly can appreciate a hot bod. Especially if the hot bod is made up of long hair and nice muscles, tattoos are definitely nice, but not a must.
I love football season. I love going to heavy metal shows. I love being female, the one with the XX chromosomes!
That is all, for now.
I love football season. I love going to heavy metal shows. I love being female, the one with the XX chromosomes!
That is all, for now.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Actions speak louder than words
There is one person in this world I'd like to talk to the most right now and can't, because he's dead.
I feel blah, emotionally detached, antisocial, maybe a side of depressed. I really didn't know come Monday I would feel like this. The same person who allowed me to enter into this "funk" is also the same person who tells me no one else can ever make you feel a certain way without your permission. Maybe not word for word, but same thing in as many words. I can't believe getting a tattoo would cause such a ruckus with certain relationships. At the end of the day, I know who is always by my side and accepting of me no matter what and that's all that matters.
So, for the person not speaking to me right now: why??? I'm not a bad person. I live an honest and just life. I'm a good person, wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter. So what is it I've done throughout my life to make you seem ashamed of me at times? Yes, you say it's disappointment but really this isn't the first time something like this has occurred. Why is it that others can TRULY accept me for me but it seems you can't? I doubt you will read this. I may even end up deleting it, but it just needed to come off my chest one way or another.
I feel blah, emotionally detached, antisocial, maybe a side of depressed. I really didn't know come Monday I would feel like this. The same person who allowed me to enter into this "funk" is also the same person who tells me no one else can ever make you feel a certain way without your permission. Maybe not word for word, but same thing in as many words. I can't believe getting a tattoo would cause such a ruckus with certain relationships. At the end of the day, I know who is always by my side and accepting of me no matter what and that's all that matters.
So, for the person not speaking to me right now: why??? I'm not a bad person. I live an honest and just life. I'm a good person, wife, mother, daughter, granddaughter. So what is it I've done throughout my life to make you seem ashamed of me at times? Yes, you say it's disappointment but really this isn't the first time something like this has occurred. Why is it that others can TRULY accept me for me but it seems you can't? I doubt you will read this. I may even end up deleting it, but it just needed to come off my chest one way or another.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Lessons in life can be hard
There are times when I wish I was more girlie. Not totally sure where this came from, but I think the late time insomnia and medicine has a small something to do with it.
I doubt my husband would truly mind if I was more lady-like. When we started dating, I wasn't especially girly. I wore make up and the occasional dress or skirt. But he married the Air Force, country girl from northern California.
I used to get my nails done quite frequently. I actually love having fake nails, it just gets rather pricey from time to time.
Honestly though, I just wish I was more girly a times. Maybe I will feel the opportunity will be more possible after I get to a decent goal weight. There are SO many cute clothes and outfits I don't feel like I can wear because I'm not physically appealing to myself. There's that saying about loving yourself before you can love others that comes to mind. Maybe if I felt more physically appealing to myself I will feel like I'm more appealing to my husband?
He tells me I'm beautiful and loves me the way I am. But to be honest, I don't love me.
I doubt my husband would truly mind if I was more lady-like. When we started dating, I wasn't especially girly. I wore make up and the occasional dress or skirt. But he married the Air Force, country girl from northern California.
I used to get my nails done quite frequently. I actually love having fake nails, it just gets rather pricey from time to time.
Honestly though, I just wish I was more girly a times. Maybe I will feel the opportunity will be more possible after I get to a decent goal weight. There are SO many cute clothes and outfits I don't feel like I can wear because I'm not physically appealing to myself. There's that saying about loving yourself before you can love others that comes to mind. Maybe if I felt more physically appealing to myself I will feel like I'm more appealing to my husband?
He tells me I'm beautiful and loves me the way I am. But to be honest, I don't love me.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Growing up...
Growing up is a fascinating thing to me. Watching my children grow is highly fascinating as well.
Yesterday I passed one of my old high schools, I went to two. And I started thinking about the wreck I was in my Freshman year of high school. I was riding with my boyfriend at the time as we were going out for a date. I am from a town of a few hundred people outside of Redding, CA which has a population of about 80,000. Anyway, we were traveling on the country roads on our way into "town" for our date. He didn't see the stop sign at the intersection of a country road and a very busy 55/65 mph highway. As we fly past the stop sign, I look out my window and remember this van coming very close to hitting me. I thought we passed it when, WHAM! The van hit the back of his jeep and tore the back hatch entirely off the vehicle.
Anyway, I ended up with a huge goose egg/bump on my forehead and a concussion. I was unable to play basketball for 2 weeks and I was slightly devastated. Of course I was more worried at the time about if mom was going to kill my boyfriend and missing a few games. I didn't kiss the ground everyday and praise a God that I was happy to be alive.
It was a day or two later that the swelling began to go down, but 2 black circles emerged around and under my eyes. I was unaware that jokes had already begun around school. I had raccoon eyes, which was apparently quite humorous to my peers. But, what I remember the most is one particular joke going around about myself and how we ended up crashing.
It made me think, hope, and pray my children never have to endure anything like what I went through as a kid. I'm mostly worried for Shannon since she is my special kid and like me in so many ways. I was already socially awkward and a chatterbox (surprise surprise). I never felt normal almost the entire time I was in school. I was pretty much picked on from day one and it stopped after I joined the military.
As an adult, you begin to realize the personal struggles one endures on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, or at least I have. After my mom's house burnt down, she was basically homeless, with no bra, and no shoes. So she went to the store to buy items to replace those since she didn't have any. I'm sure she got stares and possible rude comments. But it's because people can be heartless and judgemental. We learn it at an early age and sometimes it changes.
So, here I was 15 years old and being laughed at in school after dodging death. I REALLY could have died that day. If that van hit his Jeep in the wrong way, I could have died. And no one seemed to care. I think some of my close friends did. But people were too caught up in how to make fun of me than asking if truly was okay.
It's been almost 10 years now, this November anyway. And this is still bugging me. I don't necessarily want or need to receive apologies from peers. But I just hope people learn from bullying someday and teach their own kids how harmful bullying can be. I've forgiven and forgotten. I know the truth that day. We were talking when he went through the stop sign, that is all. No funny business.
Yesterday I passed one of my old high schools, I went to two. And I started thinking about the wreck I was in my Freshman year of high school. I was riding with my boyfriend at the time as we were going out for a date. I am from a town of a few hundred people outside of Redding, CA which has a population of about 80,000. Anyway, we were traveling on the country roads on our way into "town" for our date. He didn't see the stop sign at the intersection of a country road and a very busy 55/65 mph highway. As we fly past the stop sign, I look out my window and remember this van coming very close to hitting me. I thought we passed it when, WHAM! The van hit the back of his jeep and tore the back hatch entirely off the vehicle.
Anyway, I ended up with a huge goose egg/bump on my forehead and a concussion. I was unable to play basketball for 2 weeks and I was slightly devastated. Of course I was more worried at the time about if mom was going to kill my boyfriend and missing a few games. I didn't kiss the ground everyday and praise a God that I was happy to be alive.
It was a day or two later that the swelling began to go down, but 2 black circles emerged around and under my eyes. I was unaware that jokes had already begun around school. I had raccoon eyes, which was apparently quite humorous to my peers. But, what I remember the most is one particular joke going around about myself and how we ended up crashing.
It made me think, hope, and pray my children never have to endure anything like what I went through as a kid. I'm mostly worried for Shannon since she is my special kid and like me in so many ways. I was already socially awkward and a chatterbox (surprise surprise). I never felt normal almost the entire time I was in school. I was pretty much picked on from day one and it stopped after I joined the military.
As an adult, you begin to realize the personal struggles one endures on a daily, weekly, monthly basis, or at least I have. After my mom's house burnt down, she was basically homeless, with no bra, and no shoes. So she went to the store to buy items to replace those since she didn't have any. I'm sure she got stares and possible rude comments. But it's because people can be heartless and judgemental. We learn it at an early age and sometimes it changes.
So, here I was 15 years old and being laughed at in school after dodging death. I REALLY could have died that day. If that van hit his Jeep in the wrong way, I could have died. And no one seemed to care. I think some of my close friends did. But people were too caught up in how to make fun of me than asking if truly was okay.
It's been almost 10 years now, this November anyway. And this is still bugging me. I don't necessarily want or need to receive apologies from peers. But I just hope people learn from bullying someday and teach their own kids how harmful bullying can be. I've forgiven and forgotten. I know the truth that day. We were talking when he went through the stop sign, that is all. No funny business.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Glutton For Punishment
Well, I am! Today I completed day 2 of TurboFire. It's the first of many days on a course to a better me. I forgot how much fun the workouts are, and how much I love them. Seriously though, as the title says, I must be a real glutton for punishment. I'm sore from my ankles to my neck. I want more! I'm back to being my old self, a workout/activity junkie.
Tomorrow is my first rest day in week 1 of 9 in TurboFire. But I'm going to spend the morning of my rest day at the gym hitting tennis balls. TOTALLY excited for that. I haven't participated in any kind of sport since 2004/2005. Tomorrow morning the man who set up my membership is going to hit some balls in my direction and give me a rating. Once I have a rating, I can find a group to play with, I hope! Looking for a nice physical activity and hopefully I can meet some new people!
Tomorrow is my first rest day in week 1 of 9 in TurboFire. But I'm going to spend the morning of my rest day at the gym hitting tennis balls. TOTALLY excited for that. I haven't participated in any kind of sport since 2004/2005. Tomorrow morning the man who set up my membership is going to hit some balls in my direction and give me a rating. Once I have a rating, I can find a group to play with, I hope! Looking for a nice physical activity and hopefully I can meet some new people!
5 Question Friday
1. Thunderstorms - love them or hate them?
~ Love love love love love them! My love for thunderstorms started at a very young age. One time I remember driving to an awesome spot in the northern California valley where we (my mom, dad, and I) could watch a thunderstorm one night. It was magnificent.
2. Do your kids get back to school clothes?
~ Yes! I did, so why shouldn't they? My grandma and I always used to go shopping before school started every year. This year is technically my first "back to school year" as a parent. So, when my mother was in town, we drove up to Park City and went shopping.
3. Do you golf? Do you watch it?
~ No and NO! I have no desire to watch it whatsoever. Now I'm not knocking the opportunity to ever play golf, I just don't feel an immediate need to do so.
4. Showers or baths?
~ Showers. I don't like our bathtub enough to take a bath in it. Now, if I had a big, deep one like my mother's, I just might take more baths. Besides, it's hard for me to just relax. So I would have to read a book or be doing something while taking a bath.
5. What's the strangest meal you ever ate?
~ Strangest? Hmm, not too sure. I'm a VERY picky eater, so there really isn't much of anything strange I will eat. I've eaten escargot before. That's pretty strange, to me anyway.
The questions for 5QF can be found at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/
~ Love love love love love them! My love for thunderstorms started at a very young age. One time I remember driving to an awesome spot in the northern California valley where we (my mom, dad, and I) could watch a thunderstorm one night. It was magnificent.
2. Do your kids get back to school clothes?
~ Yes! I did, so why shouldn't they? My grandma and I always used to go shopping before school started every year. This year is technically my first "back to school year" as a parent. So, when my mother was in town, we drove up to Park City and went shopping.
3. Do you golf? Do you watch it?
~ No and NO! I have no desire to watch it whatsoever. Now I'm not knocking the opportunity to ever play golf, I just don't feel an immediate need to do so.
4. Showers or baths?
~ Showers. I don't like our bathtub enough to take a bath in it. Now, if I had a big, deep one like my mother's, I just might take more baths. Besides, it's hard for me to just relax. So I would have to read a book or be doing something while taking a bath.
5. What's the strangest meal you ever ate?
~ Strangest? Hmm, not too sure. I'm a VERY picky eater, so there really isn't much of anything strange I will eat. I've eaten escargot before. That's pretty strange, to me anyway.
The questions for 5QF can be found at: http://fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Why be discouraged??
I found myself irritated today when I woke up. I was in a lot of pain, it didn't matter which way I moved in bed, I hurt. Due to that physical state, I saw no desire to get out of bed. My children were playing quietly in their room, I had my phone and iPad there. I was pretty much convinced I could lie there all day.
But I didn't. After being awake for 20-25 minutes, I convinced myself to get out of bed. Found the willpower and I did it. A few hours later, I was still in a lot of pain and it had me really discouraged. I pretty much stayed on the couch until the husband came home. Wait, I take that back, 30 minutes or so before he walked in the door, I started folding laundry. And that's when it hit me...
A week ago, I couldn't even walk on my own. I still needed to be assisted when I walked. I was finally able to cook dinner tonight for the first time in two weeks. I'm still only 2 weeks post op on my knee as of Thursday. My knee can be bent almost comfortably now, even though I still can't sit Indian style. Another small improvement, I can cross my ankles when I sit on the couch now and I can cross my legs. That is something I haven't been able to do without pain in almost 2 months.
So, when I get discouraged for not being 100% yet, I need to sit back and look at the small accomplishments. I've always been this way though, so it's hard to be any different. I'm my biggest (and worst) critic when it comes to some things. Today I was proud of myself for not completely beating myself up. Saturday was the first day I was walking completely unassisted. That was less than a week ago! I just need to keep exercising the way the doctor showed me; I need to keep getting up and moving, even if it hurts. I can do this! I just need to be my biggest fan or cheerleader versus critic. I can do this!!
But I didn't. After being awake for 20-25 minutes, I convinced myself to get out of bed. Found the willpower and I did it. A few hours later, I was still in a lot of pain and it had me really discouraged. I pretty much stayed on the couch until the husband came home. Wait, I take that back, 30 minutes or so before he walked in the door, I started folding laundry. And that's when it hit me...
A week ago, I couldn't even walk on my own. I still needed to be assisted when I walked. I was finally able to cook dinner tonight for the first time in two weeks. I'm still only 2 weeks post op on my knee as of Thursday. My knee can be bent almost comfortably now, even though I still can't sit Indian style. Another small improvement, I can cross my ankles when I sit on the couch now and I can cross my legs. That is something I haven't been able to do without pain in almost 2 months.
So, when I get discouraged for not being 100% yet, I need to sit back and look at the small accomplishments. I've always been this way though, so it's hard to be any different. I'm my biggest (and worst) critic when it comes to some things. Today I was proud of myself for not completely beating myself up. Saturday was the first day I was walking completely unassisted. That was less than a week ago! I just need to keep exercising the way the doctor showed me; I need to keep getting up and moving, even if it hurts. I can do this! I just need to be my biggest fan or cheerleader versus critic. I can do this!!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
So excited, I can hardly contain myself
Today, my mom and I went and looked at a gym I researched a month ago. I was waiting to go tour and talk to the membership director because of my upcoming knee surgery. Well, surgery was on the 11th and went great! Knee was actually in better shape than anticipated.
This gym is AMAZING! It has 20 indoor/outdoor tennis courts, racquetball, basketball, free weights, machines, cardio machines, indoor/outdoor track, spin room, fitness classes, pool, spa, bar, and supplement/drink shop. Seriously, it has everything and more I've ever wanted in a gym.
Starting next week, I want to start doing the Wii Fit again and use a stationary bike (as suggested by the orthopedic surgeon). In the next few weeks, I'd like to get that membership going and get rated to play tennis at the gym's club. Once I start that, I would also like to swap out the Wii Fit for my TurboFire program.
I've lost 20 lbs so far with Weight Watchers and I still have about 25-30 more to go. Goal now is to lose and tone up. And I cannot wait to get started!!!
This gym is AMAZING! It has 20 indoor/outdoor tennis courts, racquetball, basketball, free weights, machines, cardio machines, indoor/outdoor track, spin room, fitness classes, pool, spa, bar, and supplement/drink shop. Seriously, it has everything and more I've ever wanted in a gym.
Starting next week, I want to start doing the Wii Fit again and use a stationary bike (as suggested by the orthopedic surgeon). In the next few weeks, I'd like to get that membership going and get rated to play tennis at the gym's club. Once I start that, I would also like to swap out the Wii Fit for my TurboFire program.
I've lost 20 lbs so far with Weight Watchers and I still have about 25-30 more to go. Goal now is to lose and tone up. And I cannot wait to get started!!!
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