Just..... thoughts

We leave for California in 2 days. I really should be doing something other than farting around on the computer. I really have no desire to do anything unrelated to the trip. All I want to do is pack or organize stuff to get ready for the trip. I don't want to clean, I don't want to cook. I want to be on the plane already!! With that being said, I have also been texting Allie most of my morning as well. She said something and it totally sparked something inside of me. I just totally need to get it off my chest!
I strongly believe in living together before you get married. Seriously, and I'm not just talking about sex here either. I believe it's important to see if you can coexist compatibly. Some people just CANNOT live together. My mom and dad were pretty much a prime example of this. They became the best of friends after they no longer lived under the same roof. Warren and I have both talked about how we wish we could have been able to live together before actually tying the knot. It took us probably close to 3 years before we finally felt like a cohabiting couple.
Anyway! My friend is living with her boyfriend of 3 years. Her family is fine with it, his isn't, it happens. So, they have now been living under the same roof for about a year now. And they've definitely had their ups and downs with it. It doesn't help the situation any having all their close friends in another state! I know exactly what that's like. Anyway, what I'm getting at here is, I think what they are doing is perfectly acceptable. They aren't even talking about marriage until they are both graduated from college. So many people nowadays just get married to be married already. Warren has a friend who has been married to his wife now for over a year, and they are still living with his mother.
If you are going to get married, I'm all for having your ducks in a row before hand. Have a house set up, have steady jobs that will support whatever lifestyle you hope to sustain. So many people just rush into a marriage and don't know who they are really marrying or what the future holds for them. There is no better way to find this kind of stuff out than if you make a decent attempt to set up shop.
Plenty of people may not agree with me on this. I needed to write it down somehow just to get it all out of my head. Or else poor Allie would have just heard all about it in numerous texts! And I didn't want to do that to her.

It's amazing what nostalgia can make you realize!

I got a chance to write a TON in my new journal this evening. I was in the section where it asked a lot about my childhood. And it got me thinking about a lot and I got totally nostalgic.
I used to LOVE playing outside. I would ride my bike as much as possible. If I was inside, I was playing games like "restaurant" or "school." Yes, I would line up all of my stuffed animals and either teach them. Or turn them all into waiters/waitresses and people eating at my restaurant. I used to write up little menus and everything! I loved having my younger cousin around. I am technically an only child, so whenever my cousin was around, I was happy! I never watched much tv. A) dad was always in control of the remote or B) I had much more important things to do.
Anyway, what writing tonight really got me thinking about was how AWESOME it is for me to have a second childhood through/with my girls! And how much they would probably love to be able to remember me being totally active with them and their activities. I mean, we don't get to be kids again, but most of us are at least given the opportunity to be able to enjoy our child(rens) childhood!
With technology nowadays, it makes it a helluva lot easier for parents to become lazy. I'm totally guilty of it. I will be one of the first to admit to using the tv as a babysitter, even for Erin sometimes. Sometimes it just seems easier to throw something into Shannon's dvd player. Yes, my 3 year old has a tv and dvd player in her room. But, I'm happy to say she has never been one to be able to strictly sit down and watch a movie. She's so creative! She will either draw or have a tea party with animal or even build amazing castles and towers with her legos. Video games, don't even get me started on video games. My husband, I swear, has more video games than we have movies, combined! He said it all started when their uncle gifted them a playstation when they were kids. I never even sat down and seriously played a video game until 3 years ago. I can honestly say, I would be beyond happy if my girls never find an interest in them.
Anyway, tired of ranting about that. I just want my kids to be able to write in their journals someday and have memories of being able to play together or even with Warren and I. Maybe this is something I can add to my New Years resolution. Yes, I'm actually going to compile resolutions this year! And it looks like I can start with "become my children's best friend.."

I plucked my eyebrows, and now they hurt..

Last night was the family get together at my in-law's since we are going to be in California for Christmas. We drew names for gifts about on Thanksgiving. Warren got an Axis and Allies game, and I got this totally awesome, hardbound journal. It's not a blank pages type though. It's one of those "about me" types. In a post back in August I wrote about a "Listography" journal I got. It's similar to that one, yet completely different. Last night I called it a "myspace survey in journal form."
Sometimes I just have such a hard time thinking of something to write about. Those journals are easy when I just feel like writing and I'm too lazy to think of a topic.
Holy cow! We leave for California in 5 days! I feel so unprepared and somewhat overwhelmed. I want to do a deep clean in most of the apartment before we leave. So far it doesn't look like it's going to be completed. Maybe 80% will be done. I hope to have most all laundry done by tomorrow as well. I always seem to procrastinate before a trip. Then I get all stressed and flustered.
So Warren and I ordered a purple, 16gb Ipod Nano for mom yesterday. One of her Xmas presents. We are going to load it up with Beatles and Led Zeppelin, maybe some other stuff too. I also bought her the new Stephen King book. I CANNOT wait to see the look on her face.
I really haven't been a big fan of Xmas since my father died. I just can't seem to "get into the holiday spirit." The only reason I can manage to show an ounce of excitement is for the girls and my mom. I'm so glad Warren is like me and doesn't try to force me into liking it either. And I have never celebrated the religious aspect of the holiday either. I actually think I wrote an entry about Christmas last year too.. Oh well. I better get off the computer and watch more tv or something unproductive. It's almost 9 pm anyway. We have decided to start being productive tomorrow..

Holy buckets, Batman!

Today, my husband came home from work, and instead of just asking him about his day or making minimal conversation. I had to vent. I felt awful about it. One of my ticks is just like out of a 1940s advertisement for the "perfect wife," in the way that I want him to come home to a non-chaotic environment. I want to give him time to unwind or get settled before telling him about my day or whatever "big news" I may have. But, today was totally different.
One of the first things out of my mouth was "I'm depressed.." I've been noticing some of these totally awesome things friends of mine are doing or accomplishing. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids and I love my life, but sometimes I feel like I'm just another dot on the radar. So, I told him this. His response was something along the lines of "you are doing something great. You are being a wife and a mom while I'm out there saving American lives." I never realized how much credit he actually gave me. It definitely made me feel a little bit better. Granted, neither of us feel like the only great thing I can accomplish is being a mother or a wife. He is behind me with whatever new career choice I bring to light. Because he knows I will back him up with whatever he chooses to pursue as well.
I love our relationship. I love how we seem to equal each other out. I knew there was a reason I married this man. He is a great husband, father, Airman, and partner in this crazy thing called life.

Tuesday's gone with the wind...

Today was a helluva day.. Woke up at my normal 10 am, then immediately got the girls ready for the day, which doesn't happen very often. Shannon will spend most of her time in whatever she wore to bed, I will change her if we need to go anywhere. Seriously, why fuss? It's just more laundry I would end up having to do.. lol. Anyway, we got ready and were on our merry way to Wal Mart.
Wal Mart was PACKED, even at 10 am on a weekday. I got diapers, stuff for wrapping, and the toy for Shannon's Christmas party today. I did it in about 30 minutes too, which is definitely a record for me! Well, I got everything up to the self checkout, checked out, and walked away, very rapidly passed the McDonald's. Even at 10, Shannon will beg me for a happy meal. Once I got home I realized I bought everything but the wrapping paper, I left it on the conveyor belt. It's totally me, I tend to find a way to forget at least one thing when shopping!
Once Shannon was off to school, I headed to do my grocery shopping. I went to Winco, as usual. I LOVE Winco, I swear it is like the Mecca of grocery stores! It may be a little cluttered and sometimes disheveled, but AMAZING. And cheaper than Wal Mart to boot!
Other than my fantastic day of grocery shopping, I'm beyond excited about my trip to California in 9 days. It will be the first time Warren has been back home with us since '06. I really wish he would come back with us more often. I wish he could have the kind of relationship with some of my family members that I have with some of his. All in due time I guess. Things seem to be the best they've been in a while between him and my mom at least, and I'm so grateful for that.
Today while shopping all I could think about was the trip. I am going to have to start my packing lists and everything here soon. MOM, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU! Until next time...

I might have something to say..

I'm very excited to announce in ten days, we will be home for the holidays. I can't believe it has been 6 months since I've seen my mom. That is probably the longest I have ever gone not seeing her. It's been almost a year since I have seen the rest of my family. I'm very excited to see Kim and Allie as well. You guys really are great friends, and I'm glad you have stuck by me the last 7/8 years.
Today I was really slacking on the everyday life duties. I was on the computer almost ALL day. I kept checking the news article on my mom to see every new comment, and if I needed to respond to anyone. This article really has spurred something inside me again. I LOVE to write. I have always loved to write and I feel I'm particularly good at it. So, as much as I would like to teach English, I would much rather like to pursue something along the lines of Journalism, or some form of public writing. I don't feel I have a creative bone at the moment for any kind of book or short story writing, maybe children's books. ;o) You never know though, I may get into some creative writing class in school and be able to do it. As a kid, I used to love writing plays in hopes of having my friends being the actors. We'll see though, I seem to change my feelings on career choices as much as I change my underwear.
Anyway, I'm hoping the rest of the night will continue to improve. This day has been pretty rough. Erin is a night owl and insists on staying awake until at least 1 in the morning. Luckily Shannon likes to sleep in! In a period of an hour and a half, Shannon was in time out 4 times for periods of at least 3 minutes each time. I'm hoping both will go down relatively early tonight. Tomorrow is Shanon's Christmas party at school and I have to find a small gift and wrap it before 1230! Lately, I haven't even been getting out of bed until 10 am!
Well, I think that's enough for now. Hope to write more later, possibly at some awful hour later tonight, or maybe sometime tomorrow. Happy Holidays!

Midnight is approaching..

I think I may have a way of getting out of this "funk." I have to keep myself as busy as I can possibly be. No more staying up and getting up late either. I'm finding myself thinking about entirely too much if I stay up late too. Mom is doing good, but I'm still terribly worried about her. But I will be with my family in exactly one month! So excited!

So, the girls and I have had the weirdest sinus issues lately. Shannon has had a hacking cough. Erin has had eye goobers and congestion. I have had congestion, itchy throat, watery, red eyes, and weird sinus headaches. My vertigo seemed to pick back up today too. Thinking of calling the doctor tomorrow if it doesn't seem better. I had the idea it was linked to the moldy hole in our hallway ceiling. Tomorrow I have full intentions of tidying up the bathrooms. I don't want to have any possible reason as to why mold should be accumulating or breeding in this apartment lol.

I just want to stick with the basics, then I want to go into full de-clutter mode. If I have to spend most of my time inside this winter, I don't want to stare at a mess. Especially since we will be here until at least August. Besides, the more I can possibly do, the better. Definitely want to keep my mind of stuff. Last night I couldn't fall asleep, then when I fell asleep, I couldn't stay asleep. I was worried about the girls. Then just kept thinking about my mom. I can't believe she has nothing, I don't have any idea of what she's going through.

Anyway, Erin is fussing. I will write more later, it helps get stuff off my chest and what not. Maybe this will help with some of my personal stuff.

8 months!

My husband still totally surprises me sometimes! Anyway, before I get too ahead of myself.. My mom had the idea the other night of one weekend in July her and my step dad should do vow renewals, and Warren and I should too. She has little to no wedding pictures left, and I think it would be a great idea for them! Also, Warren and I never even had a wedding. We just jumped the gun and signed the certificate!

Last Saturday I called her in tears after my friend's wedding reception. It was so beautiful and simple, I loved it! I was on my way home and it hit me hard, I never had that father-daughter dance. And it killed me the rest of the weekend to even think about it! So, my mom thought it would be a great idea, and I could still get my dance with my step dad.

So, I brought up the idea to Warren. I also reminded him how we talked about doing something like this for our 5th anniversary shortly after we were married. Well, our 5th anniversary just happens to be this July. Anyway, he seemed kind of uninterested and kind of apprehensive to the idea. Today, he TOTALLY surprised me. Out of nowhere he tells me how his good friends are on board and ready for next July.

July 2010, in beautiful Lake Tahoe, I will finally have a small ceremony with some of our closest friends and at least my mom and dad. I'm SO excited! Seriously, it's going to be the best anniversary. Anyway, going to try to go to bed now, I have to be up in a little over 5 hours, ah!!

I'm seriously in a funk, I need to get out of it. I try to leave the house as much as possible to keep me happy or whatever. Well, when I'm home, I do some chores, and cook dinner. But for the most part I'm wrapped up in the computer. Whether it be World of Warcraft or just something totally random.

I feel like a horrible parent, to Shannon mostly. Not feeling like too bad of a wife. He has clean clothes and food. But I haven't been going out of my way to do just about anything for anyone. Plus I have been shopping like a mad woman lately. Either I need new pants (which I kind of did) or I have been buying food I don't really need. I know it's going to catch up to me, one way or another.

Been having dreams about either my father or me just walking aimlessly in the house I grew up in. I have NO idea why. I wasn't even there for the fire, it's no longer "my house." But, it's torturing me.

I think part of my problem is technology. I wanna try going a weekend without logging onto the computer. I can check some stuff from my phone. But I need to just unplug my laptop and put it away for a weekend. I need to start with the basics, fix them, then move on. I need to clean my house and just spend some time with my husband and children. Especially Shannon! Poor kid has barely got any kind of normal conversation from me lately. I just keep getting constantly annoyed with her.

She's such a sweet kid and doesn't deserve it at all. She doesn't need a mom who is just trying to escape reality all the time. Omg, there is so much on my mind! This is probably just a whole cluster of sentences. I don't know, I just need some time for reflection, then I will update. I need to get out of this funk! I will check this again tomorrow, then decide if I'm anti technology or not. I will still have my cell around, so I will always take texts. I think it would help if I talked more. I've been avoiding just about everyone!

2 months is too long!

Wow! 2 months since my last post, I'm bad.

October was definitely interesting. Warren started at his new position in Draper. He loves it and he is so happy to be back on days. Now we are just hoping they will keep him at that location and not try to send him to either Ogden or Orem. Besides that, there really wasn't much new with us in October. Halloween was a blast! Erin was a zebra and Shannon was a princess. (I will post pictures when I can find my camera!) So, those were the high points to the month.

Sadly, the parts of October that really stick out to me are not so great. In the middle of October, my father-in-law crashed on I-215 when he was coming back from a hunting trip. Totalled his truck and trailer. The trailer got loose and flipped the truck upside-down on top of the barrier, but it ended up on the road, still upside-down. Luckily, he walked away perfectly fine. He just had some neck pains, but that was all. He still looks a little stiff, but hey, who wouldn't after a wreck like that?!

The second event was my parent's house burning down. (bivinfamily.blogspot.com) That has seemed to have us all thrown for a loop! It's been 2 weeks now since it happened, and my mom is doing WAY better than I thought she would at this point. Soon, they will have a brand new truck and new mobile home on the property. So excited for them! I am SO in love with the new kitchen. It has a "bar" like the old one had and an island! So jealous, but so happy that my mom finally gets an island in her kitchen. Their bedroom will also have a little room attached to it. I think it would be a perfect room for a chaise lounge and a few good books. But for now, they want to make it easily accessible for a place for the grandkids to sleep. So thoughtful of them, they really are amazing (grand)parents.

Anyway! I will update again later, I promise. I have been playing ENTIRELY too much World of Warcraft. So what? I'm a geek, and I'm proud of it! I am starving here and there are sloppy joes on the stove with my name on 'em!